I changed my mind. I don’t want to do it.

I thought about it. I’m not sure I want to go through with having another child. I’m not doing it for the right reason. I want to cancel out what happened with my son by doing it all over again so I didn’t fail. That is how I felt that I could move on. If I don’t move on like this then I know that I will be stuck with my current life (which is too much of the same shit different day existence). I hate it. The only way I can truly move on is to cancel out my last experience by having another child and not losing them to adoption. I’m just not comfortable having another child at this point with any of the people I know. I’m not being picky… I’m just not fully comfortable with this situation I may be walking into. It doesn’t feel right to me.

I hate unsupportiveness by others.

I already had my plans criticised by others already. I know the timing isn’t great but there is never a right time after what happened with my first child. There is going to be a risk that I have to take regardless of when I have another child. Then I got told that it was cruel to have a mixed raced child as they will suffer in this current world. I won’t let the world discriminate against them. I’m used to the discrimination that I face being autistic. I found out about there is a percentage of our population that have a fear of autistic people. That is a huge wall up when it comes to fighting discrimination for a more inclusive society. I feel sorry for those people who are afraid of autistics. It would be a huge shame to have a mind so narrow because life must be boring for those types. I’m not changing my mind at this point. I’m not keen on stopping at a hotel for the night and everything that goes with it. Regardless of whether I put the decision on hold or not … that is still going to have to be done. I mentally feel more settled not to wait.

I wish that I functioned normally…

I have been picking my skin because I am frustrated that I slept during the day and now can’t sleep at night again… jeez this pattern is annoying! I try to stay awake during the day but then the wave of tiredness hits and I fall asleep. The challenge of being anxious/excited at the same time is quite irritating. I can’t wait for my plans to come into reality, but at the same time, spending a night at a hotel (a supposedly haunted one) and doing what is required to get to that point is making me extremely anxious. I knew the hotel was haunted which isn’t something that particularly bothers me if I’m on my own. Anyway, if I get spooked (for instance, the grey lady that is supposed to haunt the place randomly pops through our room wall), regardless of the time of night, I’m prepared to sleep in the car. Part of me is intrigued to see if the blood stains on the ceiling is really a thing.

However, I’m still reluctant to be put in that suite where the rooms are said to be haunted. That isn’t the goal of the trip. It’s mutual ground which is safe for myself and the other person to carry out the plan. Part of me really doesn’t like certain things involved but nothing in life comes easy. Then I worry now that I’ve put my name out there. People know me (or they think that they do just because they know my name and read the blog). The staff at the hotel may read the blog by chance and this is potentially infringement of my privacy. I’m sure they won’t gossip but you never know… small area and all that. I don’t care what people think. I just don’t want others to know who my friends are offline after previous experiences. And, above all, I do not want people telling me what decisions I should and should not be making. If I haven’t asked for your opinion then it’s not your place to comment. I cannot sit back and not do anything in life just because it crumbled beneath me when I had my first child nearly ten years ago. I’m not the same person now. I may still be a little bit naive but I’ve grown a lot through the pain of losing my son etc.