I hate myself now. /spooky stuff happened again.

Medication is suppose to help someone feel better. I just feel worse when it constantly makes me hungry. Then, even if I go the gym, I end up getting fat. I don’t want my body in a constant stressed state because that attracts weight gain. I’ve lowered the dose tonight to see if I can stop my constant hunger side effects. I naturally have never eaten as much as the average person which is why I used to be slimmer on some medication which didn’t have the over eating side effects. I ate a proper dinner, 8 slices of bread and 4 packet of crisps this evening. I can’t continue doing that so I had to put the dose down tonight. The medication tablets can be broken in half which is 7.5mg. I am just too hungry on 15mg. I’m feeling complete hate toward myself for undoing my work at the gym. I’m sure every bit of carbs I just ate will go into building muscles which burns fat so all hope isn’t lost long term. I just feel like such a failure. If I count the sandwich I had at lunch time I’ve actually consumed 12 slices of bread in total today. I don’t even feel sick which logically I should after eating that much. I hold my hands up to still drinking a reduced amount of alcohol but that’s a huge reduction to the last couple of weeks. It’s not easy to just cut it out completely when you’re used to drinking. I have been buying the small packs so that I don’t overdo consuming alcohol. It’s nice to relax but drinking isn’t really me. I gain too much weight even touching alcohol.

You know how I said the light kept going out like the bulb had gone but it started working again. It’s worked as normal since. The spooky stuff doesn’t end there. I’ve had my phone handset keep going on and off tonight. It makes a beep noise when you put the handset down. It kept doing that noise like someone was repeatedly lifting it on and off the contacts. That wasn’t long ago. I was quite scared. I’m sure that someone who has passed over would do that to say hello or something. I’d prefer them not to as I get frightened. It happened a few years ago. It hasn’t happened since but I don’t want that happening. If anyone on the other side wants to communicate I’d prefer they do it via dreams. That doesn’t frighten me.

I’m so fed up of other peoples assumptions!

I’m at the gym while typing this entry so it’s going to not be very long. I’m also illustrating that I’m not lazy. I’m exercising with my legs and typing with my hands. Surely this means I’m burning more calories??? Well, back to what I came on to talk about on here. It never ends well when I end up in local group discussions. I have taken a comment to heart that I feel I must write an entry on. I don’t like this negative attitude towards people who don’t work for whatever reason. Yes, there are others that do work with various health issues. Autism was the thing that came up in this conversation. Their ‘friends autistics kids’ work. That doesn’t mean every person who is autistic can work. I could probably a percentage of the time but then if something happens which results in me getting asked to leave or my energy levels drop to the point I literally can’t get out of bed… it’s a stressful task to get benefits back as you have to be medically signed off sick by a doctor etc. Sounds easy enough, but in our system it can be extremely difficult and in my case that could be a never ending circle as I’m not provided with the appropriate support. I struggle in every day life not working. I simply carry on because I have to do so. I can reduce socialising to an absolute minimum but things need doing so I can’t avoid that aspect of life completely. I can’t trust people after what they’ve done to me. I have a slight phobia… which sounds ridiculous but if I explain what I’ve been through it makes sense.

Actually got things done… I know that’s rare.

I’m actually getting things done now that I’m able to get up during the day. It has felt like a long time since I’ve been able to function this way. The new medication is helping me sleep properly. I didn’t get to sleep until later last night but still woke up by 9 am. It was noisy around here as the council were cutting the grass. I had my alarm set for 10. I’m not properly up yet because I could do a few things while I was still in bed on my phone. I sent the statement to the council which they had requested and it says on my account that all documents are there and my application is waiting to be assessed by a housing officer. That could take many weeks. I will ring them at some point but they probably can’t tell me anything yet until my application is officially assessed. I’m off to the gym again today now that I’ve finally recovered from my first session. It took a whole week! I’m probably not going to do so much this time. It’s ok to not do so much and go more regularly (that makes the subscription cost worth it). I’m will properly be complaining about aching tomorrow. That doesn’t go away for a while when you start going the gym. I am not the best at easing myself into things. I like to dive in head first which normally kicks back at me. I’m never going to enjoy the gym but I’m hoping to make that not matter if I’m losing weight.

There are options but not all are widely available.

I’m aware that there are options relating to the disability discrimination act 2010 which could be used by disabled parents who have had their children taken by social services for the symptoms of their disabilities. Law in theory and reality in the United Kingdom and probably throughout the world are completely different. In an ideal world, disabled people (whether it’s mental health issues, physical, intellectual, autism etc) should be able to take the authorities to legal proceedings under the DDA 2010 but it’s not going to be an option for any ‘normal’ ‘average’ type of person who doesn’t have the income or capital in savings to take local authorities and similar organisations to court. Even disabled people that have decent jobs cannot save up the amount to pay legal fees to get a top legal team to effectively sue the authorities for failing their support needs or, in other cases, causing them psychological damage due to how they were treated by the authorities. You simply can’t represent yourself because it’s complex. Authorities give the same excuses, for instance: person not engaging with services (in reality sometimes they haven’t even made contact with the service user or informed them of important meetings/communications), support offered didn’t work etc. Actions were in the course of their work so they shouldn’t face any case against them.

You need a top legal mind to pick through their excuses and bring up details of things that occurred which happened during a situation. Top legal representatives work their way up to the firms that are known as outstanding for private clients. You will NEVER get a decent legal mind paying via legal aid. That isn’t an insult to anyone who does legal work via the legal aid scheme. That scheme is in a dire mess nowadays which is why many opt for private work because they know that the payment will be enough for the work they put into any case. Legal aid is not enough to give the needed hours to any case now. That is why no one who is represented by legal aid gets a fair hearing. Some end up on remand for months/years (probably longer since the pandemic affected the court system, that system was bad enough before that added complication).

Basically, legal aid provides an official stamp to what other agencies (e.g police, cps etc) have charged a person with… it’s a case of open and shut, hope for the lesser severe outcome/charge, tell clients all to plead guilty because solicitors don’t get paid the extra to do extra work to prove their clients aren’t guilty or the whole circumstances of what led to a situation ending up in the court.

You cannot risk simply ‘winging it’ if you’re not trained. The court arena is quite hostile in itself without one side being fully trained and the others representing themselves. Trained legal representatives will run rings around you regardless whether you think that you’ve got a water tight case. No one without enough legal training will be able to effectively pick through case law and find bits to make enough of a case to win against anyone legally trained.

If you did take a case on grounds involved in the disability discrimination act 2010 without the right legal representation and it ended up being dismissed by a court there will be no way to get it heard again. There will be only one shot with the evidence you’ve managed to get together. I am currently about to start level 2 modules of my undergraduate law degree so I know how it works but there is no way I could confidently carry out any complicated legal work under the issues listed above. I just know from my degree course how, in theory, a situation under that act would work. I tried to stop my sons adoption years before I started this degree. I know from experience that attempting something like I did back then isn’t a good idea. There was no other option. Money talks in terms of getting success and/or justice in legal cases. That is the harsh reality of the way things work. If something is entered into court which hasn’t previously been challenged, it’s even harder to get a legal representative to take on the case. These are known as test cases. Once a test case has been successful, it opens up a door for others to make similar applications to courts. This is why the gatekeeping is quite strict when it comes to our appeal courts allowing cases to be reheard on new evidence. Landmark cases aren’t as easy to get heard as the media reporting them claims. It can take years of collating evidence, finding that evidence can be a huge challenge if the other side tries to hide details of wrongdoings and then finding a legal representative that will take on a case that has never previously been won is probably the hardest task. If solicitors/barristers don’t have a high enough success rate (obtained by cases they know is guaranteed to be successful) then that is basically the end of their career… although many legal aid only lawyers (United States: public defenders) are on that system due to low success rates because many of their repeated clients are found guilty. This is why there will never be a lawyer on legal aid who is one of the top legal representatives that exist.

Bank holiday Monday hasn’t been great.

Mister seemed to be getting better. He had finished his course of medication (antibiotics) but today he has been sick several times. He’s definitely going back to the vets this week. I would have rang them today if it hadn’t been for it being bank holiday. He can’t stay the way he is. He was only being sick occasionally (hair ball related). He’s been sick 3 times so far today. There’s obviously something else that the vet didn’t see. All they could feel was an enlarged bladder which is why they gave him a weeks worth of antibiotics and a daily painkiller to help with the pain of the infection. He definitely needs a scan to see what’s happening internally. He’s middle aged in cat years, sometimes they get nasty conditions at that age. Luckily, if he needs treatment and operations I can get it free (one pet gets free treatment due to being on housing benefit and the other one gets reduced costs, mister is down as main pet because he has issues). If it’s too bad and he has to be put down then I’m going to have to make that awful decision. He seems so happy and contented most of the time. I just don’t want him to suffer. Once he looks unhappy most of the time I will know it’s cruel to let him live that way. Hopefully they investigate further and find whatever was presented as an infection when I get him back to the vets over the next few days (I will lay it on that it’s an emergency on the phone due to the amount of times he’s been sick already today).

I also had a really weird dream about the university I went to (they kicked me out etc). The building wasn’t familiar but people were saying it was that university etc. It was kind of a mock up between my old secondary school and the university. A teacher was there from my old secondary school looking at some Christmas themed thing I’d done. It was being marked as part of a nine questioned piece of work. She was an English and drama teacher who worked as the transition officer between primary and secondary school. I don’t know if she would still be alive now. She was middle aged 20 odd years ago. They’d all be at least 70 to 80 years old now. I met her when I came off my medication and my problems relating to my autism started to surface. Anyway, the dream changed at the end. There was scams going on. Dangerous people trying to track me and a group of people. Photocopiers with technical information on them all go do with psychological mental health dsm type stuff. I only saw brief information on one page. I photocopied what was on the top. It was some kind of newsletter which got automatically sent out after it was photocopied. The papers were already stacked in the order in which they were set to go out. There was a guy with a gun that fired shots in the car park. Myself and others (none of which I have met in real life) ran behind a plastic wall that came across as the building was blown up by these awful dodgy people (none of them were who I have met in reality). I don’t know what it was all about… but it was like watching a film.