I am reluctantly awake today. I’m not dressed yet but got up to fed cats, take medication and tidy a few bits to make my kitchen look less like things were just chucked everywhere. I haven’t got dressed yet but that’s the next thing I’m trying to make myself do. I’m beyond exhausted. I couldn’t sleep again last night. The rain is just depressing so that’s adding to the reluctance to get out of bed. I woke up hot which wasn’t nice. I was cold before I fell asleep so put the electric blanket on but by the time I woke up I was sweating. I had a drink of water next to my bed so luckily I could have a drink when I woke up. I had the most random dreams that I can’t really remember but woke up feeling like they weren’t pleasant. Nightmares are common when you get too hot while asleep. I was touring a graveyard in part of it so it must have been dark. The people in it wasn’t dead though. One was a celebrities photo who I know isn’t dead in waking life. It was of one of the characters they played so maybe that was killed off. That’s the only detail I remember.
Weirdly, while I was speaking about dark stuff, a storm has just come out of no where with heavy rain and loud thunder. The cats have just both come into my room because they don’t like the thunder. I don’t particularly like it but I’m not as bad as when I was younger. The bangs were too loud. I just got used to them as an adult. I will always have sensitive hearing. I just learned to tolerate the loudness of certain things. It’s not masking, it’s adapting… there’s a huge difference. I’m tolerating being awake at the moment when my brain is just annoying me while awake. I just want silence from my thoughts and it won’t give me that today.
I know that they go on about mental demons. But what if mental demons are actual evil energies which try to destroy our minds? I know that to non believers it will sound crazy. People will probably be thinking that I’ve watched too many episodes of ghost adventures on really. It’s not just the things I’ve watched. I do believe in some form of demon consisting of negative energies which latch on to us when we are weak. That black shadow that used to shake me awake and blow in my ear from my early teens may have been that kind of thing. I don’t it to get lost in quite a direct way (can’t repeat the exact wording) a few years ago. It stopped doing that but what if it has gone elsewhere? Like … into my mind or still tries to influence parts of my life. The haunted doll that I bought online probably coexists with this thing if it didn’t actually leave. That’s not going to be a good mix. It won’t turn the other spirit in the doll evil but it’s not going to make them happy if something dark was hanging around in the same space. That could explain the thing that was chucked off my bathroom selves the other week. That is how they communicate with the living. It may explain a lot that has happened around me and how people react to me sometimes. They can feel what is around me. I always have felt the darkness that surrounds me but I just assumed that it was mental illness. If there was a way of getting rid of it then I would jump at the chance. The process of getting rid of those negative spirits, demons… whatever you like to call it isn’t straight forward. I don’t want to go to someone about it and have them label me a nut case rather than detach whatever surrounds me. The fact that it’s still there somewhere means it isn’t going to leave by its own choice. If it’s the same thing I told to get lost which woke me up for many years, then it merely just went into hiding where I couldn’t see it.