Why ?

I know that the timing is never right in life for most things. I did want to move at some point but I can barely do life at the moment let alone arrange a whole move. I wish they’d reconsider selling after a few more years. I’m not mentally or physically in the best position to move home at the moment. I’m too tired to deal with the whole hassle of moving. I can’t explain to them because they basically told me I was too much hassle and passed management back over to an estate agent. This is what happens when others don’t understand mental health or autism etc. They don’t see you as a person. And if they do it’s in a negative way. Or that I’m not good enough. I try to be nice and supportive but never get it back. I always find that when I’m open about my disability, others don’t treat me like they used to before being aware. It’s like I instantly turn into a substandard person or a monster in the eyes of others.

There are things that will stick in my head forever.

I always talk about having no shame about who you are and the past screw ups you’ve made. That’s easier said than done. I randomly wake up thinking of the unkind things that have been said to me. I know that I should have a thicker skin but I took things to heart easily when I was younger. It’s only recently I decided I was fed up of other peoples opinions and that I wasn’t going to take any notice of judgments made by others. Some of the comments that have been said to me in the past still affect me quite badly. They’ve shredded the little confidence I had actually managed to build after horrendous times in my life. I don’t think I will ever be the same person as before those experiences. I would just like to point out that most of those that judged me and said terrible things were older than me. I can hardly believe that they didn’t make the same mistakes as a younger person. We all mess up when we are socially finding ourselves. Falling in love is easy when you’re young because of being naive. You cannot see people for who they actually are … they could be completely awful but you just wouldn’t see it. I don’t have to justify anything to those that have called me awful things. I wish those things didn’t continue to fester in my mind still affecting me in the present day. In some cases it wasn’t just mean comments… I was totally ridiculed for being me.

2 days of no alcohol. Addiction is a continuous battle.

I’ve managed two days in a row of no alcohol after weeks of falling off the wagon every other day. I managed a whole week before when I first tried to kick the habit. I say that but on the other hand I’m taking a painkiller for my ankle ache which can also be a slippery slope for me if I don’t stay in control. I haven’t had to take a painkiller for my ankle in weeks. It only hurts when it gets tired. I tipped it again a few days ago so it’s grumbling again. I can’t not walk a few times a week though for the sake of my own sanity. I have to get out. I managed not to use a painkiller to get rid of my migraine a few days ago. It is possible to stay in control taking things when it’s the only way to relieve pain. Alcohol is a slippery slope that has no purpose.

Although, my organs are probably crying at what I put them through over the past year, I can still repair some damage. The key thing is to stay as detoxed as possible. The bad things in life are ok in moderation but there is a fine line. Drugs, alcohol, sugar etc may give you an instant lift but long term they do more damage than help people. There are many examples of famous people who have died young due to consuming way too many drugs or alcohol. It’s been 10 years since Amy Winehouse sadly passed away. She was apparently clean when she passed away. That just shows how even when you’ve kicked habits your body has lasting damage. The worse thing about her story is the fact that before getting hooked on drugs she was totally anti drugs. Then as her career progressed she got dragged into that side of the music scene. It’s easy to become the opposite of who you are, anyone can get sucked in.