I didn’t buy alcohol on my walk today. I’m still out because it’s nice cool air at this time of the evening. The place is a mess due to the cat peeing on things and I had to wash it all. I swear that my dreams pick up what is going to come up after I wake up. The local rock has apparently got something about local autism initiative wanting to consult with autistic people (I think it’s a nationwide thing as something was on Twitter about it last night via NAS). That may have also created my dream. They want to know about support etc or lack of it in a lot of cases. I have family who want to come forward alongside me as part of the local research due to what has happened to me. So that came up in conversation after I got up this afternoon. I had a dream about the place and the people who used to provide my autism support. I can’t remember details but all I know is stuff they thought they’d buried is going to come out soon. The dream was too fleeting to pick up details as I think I only had literally a few hours sleep. When I woke up it kind of all made sense. The city now have autistic diagnosed individuals working in the chair positions. I’m not sure that the same is the case where the county council are concerned. Those that used to be quite high up at the county council didn’t want changes and I ended up clashing with them (anyone who was autistic and wanted the system changed was dropped like a stone and had to fend for themselves).
I had a good sleep earlier. I woke up feeling slightly better. I was woken up by mister peeing on my bed this morning. Apparently I wasn’t quick enough to put food in his bowl. He has been behaved since but I had to wash both my duvet cover and the actual duvet because he peed right through them. I try to train him out of peeing when he wants something before I get chance to give him what he wants. Most of the time he’s quite good. Then he gets a little frustrated if I’ve been out a lot. Then he gets irritated when I am asleep but he’s wide awake and hungry. He gets so annoying though because I have to clean up after him when he is in one of those moods. I’m sure he does it on purpose so that I bow down to everything he wants at that moment. He likes to be in charge. He tries to nick mimi’s food but he gets taken away from it when he does try it. Today you can see it in his eyes that he is in a mischievous mood where he will pee, destroy and bully other cats. He has days where he is just a pain in the ass from the time he is awake to the time he falls asleep. I ignore him to a point if he’s not making a mess or destroying something. I don’t want to reward bad behaviour but at the same time can’t allow him to destroy everything. Luckily we were both asleep at the same time today so keeping an eye on him wasn’t an issue. His sister fell asleep with me so we all got to chill out for a while. I still feel a little crap but I no longer feel sleep deprived.
I feel such a mess. I drank alcohol again despite telling myself I wouldn’t buy it. I feel so down. It’s not so hot tonight but not asleep yet because I slept during the day. I’m so fed up of allergies…. I have a bunged up nose and sore eyes. I also accidentally hit the back of my injured ankle with the vacuum cleaner yesterday so now it’s started to hurt a bit again. I did say I was clumsy. I hit it right on the bone where it was previously injured. I probably will need to go the doctors at some point because it is swelling up a bit. I’m trying to let it heal naturally. It will do that if I stop accidentally injuring myself. I think that when I hit it with the vacuum cleaner it’s taken it back a few weeks again. I am more clumsy when I’m feeling down. Depression is just dragging me down to the point where I’m tired and get no enjoyment from life. I just feel flat and pointless as an individual.
I don’t really bring anything useful to the table as far as my purpose. I would love to get to know someone I used to know but even if they did want to talk to me I wouldn’t see that I had anything to offer them. I’m definitely not going to impress anyone who is older than me. Maybe men but not women which is what I want to attract because I swing that direction. Men hassle me every single day so it’s not hard to attract them. I would call their attention harassment because sometimes they don’t stop messaging me sexual things and start sending dick photos etc. That normally results in them getting blocked. I don’t see why, as a woman, we have to put up with that behaviour on a sometimes daily basis. I may be single but that doesn’t give men a free pass to hassle me with inappropriate messages and photos in some cases. I’m not interested. I don’t even find them attractive so they may as well just give up. As a vulnerable adult I never seem to attract anyone decent. I get treated like people don’t want me around and made to feel constant rejection. I only seem to get used rather than having anyone who genuinely cares about me in my life.
I have caught up with this programme an hour later because quite frankly I forgot that it was on.
The programme contents are not surprising to me. The tactics they’ve shown in this programme are those I experienced when my son was being taken from me. The family courts are intimidating anyone that ends up in front of them due to personal circumstances.
I was taken into a room after the end of my legal aid representation hearing (where the local authority got a care and placement order) by my solicitor who told me that if I ever spoke about what happened in there… I could be locked up for a very long time.
Ironically, after speaking about it, I was thrown into prison a few years later under unrelated but equally questionable pretexts.
However, I didn’t keep my mouth shut to anyone I ended up meeting in life. It is important that all of us that have been involved in care proceedings which have led to losing our children to the system absolutely should speak out regardless what threats are uttered by those in authority or sometimes even sanctioned against us.
If we do not do that… these practices that are currently happening will NEVER cease.
The irony that the solicitor representing me that day, who said those words to me, had an autistic son (they were open about that to me) somewhat makes it worse. That illustrates some of the unhelpful autism parents out there not improving things for us. They have a voice, unlike us, but I find that many of them don’t use their platforms appropriately. The law and attitudes don’t change unless they are challenged. If the voices that are challenging these things aren’t heard then those voices that can and will be heard need to stand with us.