There are changes happening but not enough.

I spoke to a few researchers over the last few years who are actually bothering to do research in areas where it previously hasn’t been done. The latest one I contributed to was in the middle of the night last night (with the help of alcohol). This was about the system being stacked against autistic mothers. Well, that was basically what this student was as trying to prove anyway. There’s the programme that is on later which I mentioned during the weekend. There’s been loads of research by students about autism and the system over the last few years. I signed things so I can only go into brief details about the studies. In comparison to what there used to be along those lines there is improvements. It’s just come too late for some of us who have been surrounded by the most non autistic friendly system while growing up. I won’t get the days off my life back that this awful system has stolen from me. I can feel the damage done to me at this point of my life. Okay, maybe it would be a lot worse if I was a decade or so older because it would be too late for me in so many areas of life by that point. I can at least try to have more children once I know the system has made a big enough turning point. I’m hoping that the end to all the current crap is in sight but these things can take many years. Some of us have been fighting back before previous system modifications and are already completely mentally drained. I have no more to possibly give on a wider scale. I do bits where I can but even that causes me after effects for weeks.

I need a break. Addiction is starting to creep back into my days.

I’m hot, tired and fed up of every day life crap. Unless it’s important I’m going to disappear for a few weeks. I need time to chill out and reset myself. I tried to quit drinking but went back to it without being aware of the habit becoming a nightly thing again. I was doing well until it just started getting more regular to the point I wanted stuff every night. The hot weather hasn’t helped. I got thirsty but didn’t drink water etc. Once my skin starts being affected I know that I have to stop the alcohol completely or I’m just going to be drinking the huge amounts that I was before and getting fatter due to the calories stacked in those drinks.

I have a solution that would suit everyone!

The fact that I’m mentally and physically exhausted means that this solution would work for me. If I ended my life it would help both me and the landlord to be able to sell the flat. I wouldn’t have to find somewhere to live and could finally rest rather than continue to struggle in life. Then the landlord would have the flat back and could sell it. Perfect for both parties. I’m a hassle. The hassle needs to be eliminated. I’m more than happy to take myself out because the tiredness is absolutely destroying me. I’d do it purely to have some peace. My head is like a constant dumping ground of thoughts and feelings which never let me rest. I just want to be free but my head won’t let me chill ever. I’d love to wait until my son grows up because I would like to reconnect with him. That just seems like a long torturous wait. Every single day is full of mental and physical tiredness which rips me apart. I just long for peace from my brain!!! It’s a curse being intelligent. Ignorance is also definitely bliss. It’s so much better not to feel or to know about the world and it’s people that surround you. I can disconnect but can never truly block who I’m meant to be completely. I’ve never felt so close to saying screw it and taking myself out to end the constant mental suffering.