Day: July 9, 2021

I was surprised but glad that the gp was so quick to print out the records that I needed regarding health problems summary for housing application. I was surprised after only ringing up for it yesterday. I’m still in the process of getting a proof of benefits letter from esa and pip. I tried to call them this afternoon when I got home but there was no answer for 25 minutes. It kept going through the automated message and music so I eventually gave up today. I don’t think they’re open on Saturday so I’m going to have to get through to them on Monday (hopefully there isn’t too many people hung over and phoned in sick after the England game on Sunday). I may not need to phone pip because I have the award letter with the full details filed away somewhere. I will have found it by Friday when I have to go up the council with my documents. I just have no idea where the esa award letter has gone.

I am already in bed. I wasn’t even keen on getting up this morning but did it eventually because I needed my glasses. The only way I could get them was go to the appointment. I was wanting my bed for the entire day. I was a bit annoyed when I thought I’d done everything but realised I’d forgotten something at the shop so then I had to go back out again. I got the wandering cat following me around again which didn’t help as he just kept getting in the way. He disappeared after I had fed him. I thought he was going to stay at mine for the night yesterday. He had decided to fall asleep in the hallway. I let him outside before I went to bed because he was acting restless and grumpy. He is a bit old to jump out the window like the other cats. I tried to get him to use the window but he refused to go out that way. I think it hurts to go out the window due to his age. Mister was just making random chattering/chirping noise at a pigeon. That’s fine as long as no pigeons get bought inside. He’s never caught one before but then he hadn’t caught a fully grown rat before a few years ago but still managed to pull it off just that once. He can chat away to the pigeons all he likes but he can’t bring them in as something to play with. He does they with the little mice and they seriously don’t enjoy it. He must seem terrifying to them being so much bigger with a massive clawed paw sweeping at them. I do try to intervene so that he doesn’t accidentally kill the other smaller animals while playing. He doesn’t realise his own strength. He also doesn’t even seem bothered when I remove the creatures from his way.

I got up later than planned so I was catching up time I just didn’t have to spare. Then I got stuck in traffic. I went out with damp hair which I had braided last night. I had to put oil through it so that it wasn’t looking wild. I’m in a people queue everywhere I go today. They just wander slowly in front of you aimlessly. This isn’t a day trip … move! Some of us want to do what we have to do in the outside world and then get o it of them crazy post pandemic gradual opening. I swear that people have less sense now than they did before the pandemic. I liked some aspects of lockdown as I could get a people break more easily. People have literally become like ants scattered everywhere again. Why can’t we actually go back to a happy medium post pandemic? Things happen for a reason. Maybe we need to change as a whole. I’m getting stressed scabby skin because I’m not used to it yet. I think there is something preventing me from sleeping. Last night something odd happened. Well, for me, it’s not entirely odd but others probably don’t have certain things happen in their lives which I’ve grown up with and not known any difference. This has worried me a little though because it looked like what was on my bathroom side was chucked off into to the middle of the floor. That makes it more scary when there’s no way that it could have physically fallen off due to the fact that it was at the back behind everything. I heard something in the middle of the night last night but didn’t find the air freshener in the middle of the floor. It couldn’t have just dropped and bounced into that position. The cats aren’t allowed in there so they definitely weren’t responsible. I suppose it could have been more threatening. It could have been the glass perfume bottle I had on the side in there. I still don’t like it when things get thrown. That was definitely thrown by something which suggests it is aggressive. I haven’t been able to sleep at night so maybe something is hanging around. I can sleep no problem during the day. I’ve probably not been listening to whatever as I drank a few times this week due to watching the football etc. Alcohol blocks that side of me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do for someone that is already passed over. It’s tough still being alive so I don’t want to be bugged by the spirit world. If they really want to reach me they know to do something in a dream etc.

I haven’t slept yet when I should have done to be able to get up in the morning to collect my glasses mid day. I am slowly getting sleepy as I keep yawning. I am too hot so also ended up kicking duvet cover off my legs. I keep feeling an ache above my ankle still so I don’t think it’s healed completely but it’s a lot better. I’m sure this is an actual thing but does anyone else feel like they are too tired to do life? I’m not even talking about the big stuff. The small parts of life like getting up feels like climbing a hill. I’m just worn out completely. I miss when I used to have even a bit of energy. I struggle to not get overwhelmingly tired even just going for a walk (admittedly they are on the long side but I’m used to those distances). It probably hasn’t helped dragging an injured ankle around due to feeling like excess weight. Then there is the excess weight which I have gained over lockdown. Maybe I’m just not used to being this heavy. I was always quite petite and didn’t even weigh in double figures until a few years ago (apart from the time I was in my early 20s due to medication). Mentally I’m also just done with everything. The brain fog is stopping me functioning properly. Emotionally I don’t even feel stuff nowadays. I know that most of us end up dead inside as we go through life. This is like being dead and rotting inside.