I fall out with myself sometimes.

I’m just really fed up tonight. I’ve finished off the alcohol I had in which probably hasn’t helped me not fall out with myself. On a positive note it might put me to sleep soon. I can’t count on that happening because sometimes it has kept me awake. I have literally consumed all the calories I cut during the week in one day. I won’t be eating much for the next week so that it balances out. I’m really not wanting to move back home to my mums after this place gets sold. I would love a family of my own finally. I don’t want to be on my own anymore. I want my own children without interference from services next time. Even if I had everything sorted including a man who was responsible (many I know aren’t) willing to roll with the idea, it would also be the worse time to get pregnant. Too many things aren’t stable enough.I rushed into it all the first time round which resulted in a huge mess. I just don’t want this life any longer. I see families all together. That is what I want and why shouldn’t I have it? I didn’t come from a family that was close. I thought that I could fix that by having my own when I grew up. I need that stability unlike the rest of them. The rest of my family seem to be ok with that kind of stuff. I’m not like them though. I’m used to being alone and independent but that’s not who I truly am underneath. I am approaching my mid 30’s so time to have more children is ticking away fast. I don’t want to risk having them passed 40 because autism could be inherited (made more likely due to me having it). I just cannot stand still much longer because I will hate myself even more for not trying to change my life.