Day: July 4, 2021

I got woken up by a storm. I was waking up at that point anyway but there’s nothing like a clap of loud thunder to wake you up instantly. The cats were sat right next to me. I can feel Mimi pushing herself into my side so they must have been frightened by the noise. They were sat like that just before I heard the noise. They probably could hear it in the distance before it even got here. I ended up with the wandering cat in here for a few hours yesterday. That was due to the weather being a bit wet and thundery. I had to put him out yesterday evening because mister was a bit hostile toward him. He can tolerate the cat for a bit until he starts telling him it’s his house get out. I just didn’t want to send the wandering cat back out in the awful weather straight away until it had calmed down a bit. I don’t think the thunder would scare that cat now as he seems a bit deaf. He is getting on a bit so it’s not surprising. He’s been putting his chin on the ground outside recently. He most likely goes by vibrations rather than sound now. He is starting to look elderly now. He seems to be a lot more boney looking than he used to be. He’s been around here longer than I’ve lived here apparently. That’s nearly 10 years so he must be at least 12 to 15 years old. That’s old for a cat, especially one that chooses to have no fixed home. He isn’t boney because we don’t feed him. He’s spoilt by everyone in this block of flats.

I feel quite down today. The lack of night sleep isn’t helping. I have slept a huge amount today. I still feel wiped out. I woke up hot and uncomfortable. I can’t really not blame myself for that because I left the electric blanket on as I felt a bit cold before I fell asleep. I feel cold a lot. That seems to happen more when you’re tired. I can’t actually be as cold as I feel otherwise I wouldn’t wake up sweating. It feels like I go hotter when I’m asleep whether I have the electric blanket on or not. I had a random dream again but I don’t remember details. I know that it was full of people I didn’t know. I’d never met them in waking life. There’s a thing that says we only dream of people we have actually seen in waking life. I don’t believe that. These people were definitely no one I’d seen in my waking life. Unless I have subconsciously seen faces which resemble them and that is how they ended up in my dream. I do know that someone said my writing wasn’t descriptive enough after I handed them a very short price of writing on two pages. I think that it was meant to be book manuscript size. Who cares? It never happened in reality… it was just a dream so I actually never failed in waking life.

I’m just really fed up tonight. I’ve finished off the alcohol I had in which probably hasn’t helped me not fall out with myself. On a positive note it might put me to sleep soon. I can’t count on that happening because sometimes it has kept me awake. I have literally consumed all the calories I cut during the week in one day. I won’t be eating much for the next week so that it balances out. I’m really not wanting to move back home to my mums after this place gets sold. I would love a family of my own finally. I don’t want to be on my own anymore. I want my own children without interference from services next time. Even if I had everything sorted including a man who was responsible (many I know aren’t) willing to roll with the idea, it would also be the worse time to get pregnant. Too many things aren’t stable enough.I rushed into it all the first time round which resulted in a huge mess. I just don’t want this life any longer. I see families all together. That is what I want and why shouldn’t I have it? I didn’t come from a family that was close. I thought that I could fix that by having my own when I grew up. I need that stability unlike the rest of them. The rest of my family seem to be ok with that kind of stuff. I’m not like them though. I’m used to being alone and independent but that’s not who I truly am underneath. I am approaching my mid 30’s so time to have more children is ticking away fast. I don’t want to risk having them passed 40 because autism could be inherited (made more likely due to me having it). I just cannot stand still much longer because I will hate myself even more for not trying to change my life.