I have reasons why I never wanted to be open that the system had labelled me with borderline personality disorder. Those labelled with BPD are seen as manipulative narcissistic individuals by others that have no understanding of why and how it manifests. The people that society should be concerned about are the genuinely horrible natured individuals that do not have a mental illness… those people can do so much more damage. There’s so much genuine evil in this world carried out by those types of people. Those purely motivated by greed and power don’t have a mental illness.
There is normally a reason why someone develops BPD. In my case, it’s a defence mechanism. I went through traumatic things which led to rejection and losing the things that gave my life some stability. I do feel that the symptoms of BPD are easier to manage as you get older. I’ve found it easier since l have matured with age. I don’t have a brain that is overly active … that was an issue growing up. I never settled because I was so used to things not working out. I couldn’t put into words what I felt when I was younger. Those that have BPD lie and manipulate? Well, that isn’t an intentional thing. It’s not done to personally hurt another person. Our own insecurities are quite hard to fight when we feel that we are being rejected. Desperation to not lose whatever can take over our actions. We will willingly sacrifice our dignity to not lose whoever or whatever is in our lives who we don’t want to lose … the rejection can be our perception when someone is acting differently. There’s an automatic assumption of … what if it’s me ? Are they bored ? Do they want to walk away? I did and said things growing up that I regret due to those insecurities. They are extremely intense and amplified in a person with BPD. I’m quite strict with myself now that I’m slightly older. I will literally ban myself from feeling those thoughts. I refuse to acknowledge them and they disappear quite quickly. That’s taken me years to develop the ability to do that. Then that takes me to the other extreme where I just don’t care and can’t feel anything emotionally. That extreme doesn’t upset others so I don’t become a burden or drive them all crazy. I don’t think that feeling nothing is actually good for me but it’s a sacrifice I feel I have to make so that I get a peaceful life.