Why does life have to be frustrating?

I’m finding life stuff really irritating at the moment. The small parts of life seem to bug me more. I had a conversation with someone I’ve known since I was a teenager tonight. I then realise that I wanted so much more by this point in my life. He still lives down south (he came from that part of the country initially). I came back to an area which I never wanted to live in ever again. I just don’t fit here. I never did fit in even as a child growing up here. I still feel an outsider but it doesn’t bother me so much now that I’m getting older. I do still care what others think of me but I’m not taking others opinions to heart. I basically have developed a screw you attitude to anyone who wants to be negative toward me. I wish that I’d been more like that as a youngest growing up in this area. I don’t think I’d have got into as much trouble. I wouldn’t have had enough feelings for anyone else to take certain risks. I’m at the age at this point where I don’t want to stay as I am but at the same time don’t feel ready to take a chance at new things. The conversation with them made me realise how stuck I am right now. I’d love to move away. I just need to take a chance without being scared that I’ll fail due to financial issues or I end up in a worse position. If I stay where I am then that is just as bad in a way. I was always someone that knew exactly what they wanted growing up. I don’t seem to be like that any longer. I would rather sleep all the time. That isn’t a good thing. I’m not depressed. I’m just done at the moment. The fact that everything hasn’t reopened properly yet doesn’t help.

Family interactions don’t help BPD either.

I just had a discussion with my own mother who outrightly told me not to express my opinion on things that affects me. Why is this so wrong? People do it every single day who are classes as normal and aren’t told to keep quiet. If I want to actually display the fact that I have some intelligence by making an effort to work out something from the facts placed in front of me then that isn’t wrong. I’m not bugging anyone if I legitimately have a point. It’s not up to me to solve other peoples problems but those that indirectly affected me in a chain situation is not wrong. Other aspects of people’s lives that doesn’t affect me aren’t the area I’m commenting on. They are free to live their lives how they like but my life has been ruined by complete idiots enough so I’m not going to keep quiet. In some situations you’re damned if you do or don’t say something. I care too much about everything unless I’m in one of those moods where I just switch it all off for my own sake. That is the way I make sure things don’t get too much for me.

I used to end up with a massive headache and physically sick before I mastered the art of switching myself off completely emotionally. Sometimes I have to do that so that I can actually get any sleep. That takes years to master especially when you’re made to hate yourself due to the label you’re handed. The years that you spend in denial destroys you so much that when you rebuild yourself you’re not ever going to be the same person before that occurs. You can go through a complete breakdown without even being aware and I think that I may have done that myself. The fact that I came out of it mostly in a grounded mental state without medical intervention is actually quite unusual. I still have my moments but I’m not as affected by the things I’ve been through now.

Then there’s another thing that really bugs me. Men can express their opinions (including within the autism community) and it’s seen as acceptable. However, if it’s a woman saying exactly the same thing or extremely similar we get called out of order. When did this become acceptable? We technically should be listened to more than the men because we contribute to society in many ways than men. If it wasn’t for us then the men wouldn’t exist. How was this ever accepted by previous generations? It completely irritates women of this generations. You don’t talk down to us, discount our opinions or tell us we are being ridiculous because we say certain opinions rather than men. On a secondary note, it also pisses me off when all those of us who are officially classed as unemployed are classed as the underclass by many people. We aren’t all lazy. Some of us can’t work for a valid reason. I may not work officially but I never seem to stop doing things for free in the areas which I trained in.

I feel like I’ve gained weight but I actually lost it…

I woke up today thinking I was feeling quite fat. I no longer have scales (fell out with those things a long time ago). I have really noticeable stretch marks which aren’t pleasant. I can use something to make them less visible but they don’t go away unless you get really skinny and the skin there shrinks dramatically. I measured myself, reluctantly … at least the reality isn’t as I thought now. I’m still 49 around my boobs, 34 around the waist, 43 around the hips and 25 i around the thighs. This is in inches. Before I was 40, 36, 44, 27 so a few inches of fat has come off in the last week. I haven’t even gone to the extremes, only tweaked my diet, cut the alcohol by half I normally consume a week. I don’t have breakfast cereal every day because that doesn’t help matters when I’m trying to shed excess weight. I never knew what I actually weighed because I haven’t had scales for such a long time. I probably was at least 13 stone looking at me and going by the measurements.

BPD doesn’t mean a person is bad… I will explain a few things.

I have reasons why I never wanted to be open that the system had labelled me with borderline personality disorder. Those labelled with BPD are seen as manipulative narcissistic individuals by others that have no understanding of why and how it manifests. The people that society should be concerned about are the genuinely horrible natured individuals that do not have a mental illness… those people can do so much more damage. There’s so much genuine evil in this world carried out by those types of people. Those purely motivated by greed and power don’t have a mental illness.

There is normally a reason why someone develops BPD. In my case, it’s a defence mechanism. I went through traumatic things which led to rejection and losing the things that gave my life some stability. I do feel that the symptoms of BPD are easier to manage as you get older. I’ve found it easier since l have matured with age. I don’t have a brain that is overly active … that was an issue growing up. I never settled because I was so used to things not working out. I couldn’t put into words what I felt when I was younger. Those that have BPD lie and manipulate? Well, that isn’t an intentional thing. It’s not done to personally hurt another person. Our own insecurities are quite hard to fight when we feel that we are being rejected. Desperation to not lose whatever can take over our actions. We will willingly sacrifice our dignity to not lose whoever or whatever is in our lives who we don’t want to lose … the rejection can be our perception when someone is acting differently. There’s an automatic assumption of … what if it’s me ? Are they bored ? Do they want to walk away? I did and said things growing up that I regret due to those insecurities. They are extremely intense and amplified in a person with BPD. I’m quite strict with myself now that I’m slightly older. I will literally ban myself from feeling those thoughts. I refuse to acknowledge them and they disappear quite quickly. That’s taken me years to develop the ability to do that. Then that takes me to the other extreme where I just don’t care and can’t feel anything emotionally. That extreme doesn’t upset others so I don’t become a burden or drive them all crazy. I don’t think that feeling nothing is actually good for me but it’s a sacrifice I feel I have to make so that I get a peaceful life.

Awake at a stupid hour x 100 plus nights in total. / we are living in a toxic world.

I have lost count of the hours I’m awake during night time. I should be asleep because I was up all day with very little sleep the night before. I’ve laid here for hours but can’t sleep. I’m probably not typing in sentences properly. I’m too tired to use my brain to construct proper sentences at the moment. Mister, the cat, has decided to fall asleep next to me. He was outside when I went to bed. I swear it’s getting hot again. I’m glad that I’m not in America at the moment. I heard someone refer to it as being in a fire pit. Their heat is trapped there at the moment which makes it more unpleasant. Climate change due to the global warming thing is definitely starting to become more evident nowadays.

We live in a world full of toxic chemicals. They even put them in our foods/drinks. I can taste some of those chemicals because my autism makes me sensitive enough to know if there is anything unnatural in a food/drink product. I can tell when supermarket products change ingredients in their food. Tesco changed something in one of their pizzas we used to buy regularly. I never ate them ever again due to the taste being weird after they changed it. Then there’s goats milk. I used to have goats milk regularly pre pandemic… I just started buying it again instead of cows milk. The taste is not the same. It always had a distinctive tang to it but now it’s not much different taste from cows milk. They have definitely changed it. I bet they’ve added sugar or something else which it doesn’t need to change the taste. There was nothing wrong with the original taste so why change it? The cat never used to be sick after licking the goats milk from the remains of my cereal bowl either. I’ve now had to ban him from trying to drink out of it because of the effect it has on his stomach (he wasn’t happy but I don’t want him being sick all over the floor). Goats milk used to be ok in small amounts for him due to the reduced lactose content. I have to be careful myself because when I eat certain contents in dairy products it literally makes my stomach sore due to being intolerant to certain ingredients. I put up with it because I haven’t found an alternative to dairy products that I actually like the taste of at this point. I even keep reacting to eggs recently. They’ve never set my stomach off so badly. I ate them regularly when I was younger and that never happened. That is why I question what chemicals are added to food or fed to the chickens producing those supposedly free range eggs.