I’m just going to stick to existing without being able to be me.

I woke up feeling like I’d had no sleep. I eventually dropped off but it was after 5am. I’ve decided to take the option to live my life merely existing without being me. It’s peaceful and that is what I need. I don’t want trouble and if I insist on being me then that will just get thrown in my direction. I will be miserable. I am sad thinking that I can never be me. I honestly just want to sleep at the moment. I’m too used to being alone to change that part of my life. I want friends but I also don’t like hanging out with people. That is trauma though. People caused me pain so I have an automatic resistance against hanging out with them. That is just how it works. That is never going to change. I don’t think that I would ever be comfortable being part of a group. I’m used to being a lone wolf type. Some of us are destined to be alone for life. That isn’t a problem for me. Interaction with other people makes me exhausted. It’s easier to accept this life as you get older. It’s hard when your younger and everyone seems to hang out in groups. That made me feel left out growing up. I learnt not to care about being an outsider. Your life isn’t all about fitting in and that is less stressful. I’m never going to let anyone see who I am behind the mask. The real softer me is guarded forever after my experiences growing up. I was forever changed when my son was ripped away for adoption. It’s something that changes you as a person forever. The inner darkness and bitterness fades but never truly goes away.