Depressed again :( / I see no future, just existing.

I have felt like crying all night. I probably didn’t help matters by deciding to have alcohol. I don’t see a future. I just see that the highlights of my life have already gone by and I’m left with just existing until the day I eventually die. I know I’m only 33. I just don’t ever see anything in my future. I won’t get married (not keen on that anyway). I won’t have any children after my son got forcibly adopted. I don’t even get letterbox contact so I will probably never reconnect with him. They will never tell him the truth so what’s the point? I don’t have proper friends and let’s face it, I will always be single. I know that people will assume I’m being pessimistic. I tried being optimistic for years. Things didn’t change for me even in that frame of mind. I had plans years ago. I’ve slowly given up on living a proper life. I just will never properly fit in. The harder I’ve tried in the past, the more I completely messed it up.