Stressed

I woke up later than I planned. I realised I had lots to do alongside finishing my last university TMA/ema. I have a day left until the deadline. It comes around so quickly when everything is already feeling too much. We can’t get extensions for the last assessment. I’m medicated and nearly had breakfast (I know it’s lunchtime). I don’t know if this is an actual thing but everyone seems to decide to contact me at the exact same moment. How does that happen? I’m not even awake yet so I haven’t been answering my phone. If it’s important send me an email. If it can wait please leave it until Thursday when most things on my important list will be done. I’m not ignoring anyone. I just have to stick to a pattern of getting things done. If I don’t stick to it then important things don’t get done. That is ten times harder when your brain is in overload mode.

It shouldn’t be logically in overload mode but it’s gone into that mode since I am now petrified about finding a new place at the end of current contract. I didn’t chose to be ill last week when things were due to be done regarding annual checks but that is what it can be like having a disability. I don’t think my landlord understands my disabilities. He sees them as a problem rather than a sign that I’m struggling. His attitude changed after I was honest about my autism. I’m no longer seen as a person but as a problem. They haven’t treated me normally since that point. I just get seen as hassle that they don’t want in their life in any shape or form.

I do take certain things to heart because my entire life I’ve been punished for my disability. I have only ever known rejection, segregation and isolation reinforced by societal norms. Bullying is a factor of life when you’re autistic. I accepted that a long time ago. I don’t let much bother me in that department now. I always have answers ready to ping back at ignorant idiots. Or I point blank ignore them. It depends on the context of the situation. I mostly ignore any online nastiness now. I try to put people right if they have expressed a genuinely ignorant view. I don’t like being seen in certain ways, probably relating to my past, so I fight as hard as possible against any suggestions that I am certain things. I’m not a threat to anyone. That is a huge trigger for me if someone suggests I’m a threat. I would never hurt another. The most I have ever done is say/write careless words. I’m totally harmless and anyone that suggests otherwise triggers me.