I’m in a lot of pain :( Sometimes it would be easier if I was still in some form of care.

I have had to cancel the person coming to do the boiler today. I’m hoping that no one turns up because I have told the landlord as bluntly as possible that it isn’t convenient at the moment. I woke up with severe ear pain and that time of the month has decided to cause me those pains too. I cannot directly announce that to males though. I mentioned my ear pain because that isn’t too much information when talking to men. The boiler does need servicing as it’s due but right now I just cannot let people in. I also told them bluntly that they do not have my permission to use their key to let the person in. I am technically not out… that means they legally cannot let themselves in. I know my rights. I don’t want to be difficult. I can barely move without either the top half or bottom half of me being in pain today. I know it seems like I’m being annoying as I cancelled yesterday too. I cannot plan illness. I definitely can’t plan when my monthly is going to happen. The ear pain was definitely something I never even expected to happen. I started off with neck pain which I controlled by painkillers. Pain is extremely hard to dull in your ear. I feel like absolute crap when I’m on and leading up to it anyway.

I know that I shouldn’t wish my freedom away but sometimes I preferred the time when I was in care. I had no daily responsibilities that stress me out. There was always someone to help me when I needed to get things done while either physically or mentally ill. The small things seem to be the worse. Those things build up and then they’re extremely large tasks. I do a lot better with support or living in a supported environment. I may be institutionalised a little due to my experiences. I don’t want to be that way. There are various aspects I like about being away from those environments. I just don’t think my well being is fully positively supported within community living. I don’t want to be in a residential care setting because that is some form of hell I do not wish to go into. Supported living is something I would prefer. The problem is that I cannot have my cats in that setting (even in self contained flats). They are my world and that is a deal breaker for me. I’ve made enough sacrifices in my life, mostly forcibly, that is just something I cannot possibly consider. I could never give up my cats even for a more appropriate environment for my needs. I would love not to struggle but there are so many things set within society that make any option available inappropriate. The services that do exist just aren’t suitable for many autistics that need care but not at a higher level. I can do most things independently but not all the time. That can be seriously frustrating for me and confusing for others to provide me with some form of assistance if needed. The hassle of trying to fight for appropriate help, rather than inappropriate help, from our current system is a battle that most of us are too tired to fight. Functioning is tiring enough for me, let alone having the stamina to fight for helpful services for my disability. I have to go now because looking at the screen is making my ear pain worse.

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