Broken emotionally today…

I woke up in pain but that isn’t the worse part of today. I literally can’t stop getting tearful because my hormones are kicking off too. This is only the first day of my monthly. The worse physical symptoms haven’t even began yet. I woke up at a stupid hour this morning after waking up twice during the night. I’m tired as I popped the shop earlier and used all the energy I had when I woke up. I’m sitting down for lunch and a cuppa while watching ‘Steph’s packed lunch’. I need to get enough energy to vacuum as there are so many bits all over the floor. I’m also going to do the bed too due to the cat hair the cats have left on there. I can’t let it build up too much due to being allergic to the stray hairs. I don’t feel up to even getting off the sofa at this point. The cat bed also needs a vacuum because there is a sheen of their hairs on the blanket in there.

I kind of expressed how much I wanted to move earlier. I was rather too blunt about my feelings in general. I’m surprised that I didn’t get a text back saying I was getting my notice to leave. It’s nothing personal about this place etc. I just need to move away from this area for my own sanity. This area isn’t helping my mental health. I just permanently have awful memories from things that have happened growing up here and what happened with my son’s adoption when I reluctantly moved back. I didn’t want to come back. I was only seeing this area as a temporary option. I’ve been back here for nearly 10 years now. That is longer than I spent living away from the area I grew up in. This area has stolen enough decades of my life, it wouldn’t be so awful if they weren’t sad decades of my life. Trauma doesn’t ever go away unless someone gets away from the source. The whole of this county is basically linked to my trauma of my past experiences. I can’t even see my disability as an actual disability. I just think I’m an awful person rather than have autistic difficulties. That’s how this area conditioned me to think about myself.

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