I hate to blame others for my addiction but certain things are interlinked.

I know I’m not the first to turn to alcohol when they’ve suffered heart break and rejection. I definitely won’t be the last either. I was rejected quite early in my life so it left me more sensitive. I don’t know naturally instinctively that certain behaviours are becoming excessive. I was deep into my pain killer addiction before I actually calculated that the amount was probably going to kill me if I kept going. I only started using them for migraines originally. Then they lifted me when I was feeling low. I know it’s not anyone else’s fault I feel rejected easily. I never used to h degree s that things weren’t personal. We all have crap in our own lives that we don’t need others adding to etc. It definitely was sometimes personal because I was being an asshole or annoyingly trying to move too fast in friendships and relationships. I didn’t give a shit about being rejected when I drink or formally took painkillers. I’ve got to the point wheee I just feel numb and it’s horrible. I could at least feel things when I first started these things.

I know I shouldn’t still want someone in my life but I can’t change how I feel. Even if they were on speaking terms with me it would be a bad idea. I heard that they are just as uncontrolled when it comes to alcohol. I don’t know if it would lead to something we both regret. I know my feelings in regard to them. I would fully take advantage of us both being in that state. That wouldn’t be in a bad way I’d they didn’t want to but if they were keen too. Life is short and they are a lot older than me. I also hurt because I know they come on here but yet hasn’t spoken to me. If they like me even a little why not go for it? Both our lives are different nowadays. Maybe they have a little fear of some of me. That feeling is exactly the same here. I was petrified of them when I met them but at the same time I found them attractive. It makes absolutely no sense to me either.