I’m sure that many people watched the documentary on stop and search about the disproportionate amount of black people being targeted by this legal clause. I was horrified by what I saw but I knew it went on from those that I’ve known who have been black, especially black men seem to have experienced being stopped and searched regularly during their life. I do not trust the police. I think the majority of those that work in the police have the wrong attitudes and also inbuilt prejudices which they openly display in their job. I was targeted from a young age to be labelled a criminal by one of them because I was autistic (I wasn’t diagnosed when they first started using me as a target). That individual officer did a lot of damage and has since retired. Their name is still very well known locally and apparently they work for the council now.
Anyway I would like to share one of my most recent police custody experiences from 2017. It was before I ended up in prison briefly. I was arrested and left in a cell for breaking that restraining order. I was being held there while they were processing something. I got stressed as I hit meltdown mode. I ended up smashing the back of my head against the wall because I got to the point of being that distressed. I had been in the cell for many hours at that point.I was basically told to stop it and left to work through it. I was only offered a paracetamol by the custody nurse when it started hurting later. There was no knowledge that I had autism by the custody staff despite me telling the arresting officer. That is what I was saying about their attitudes. The one that arrested me has one of those attitudes. The type that doesn’t believe that autism even exists, let alone tries to understand it.
I walked into my mums and got basically told that my trousers look tight (hinting I’m fat). She also gave me two chocolate eclairs after my dinner. Those comments haven’t made me feel any better but since my few stone weight gain I’m used to the comments. There are no rules saying that larger women cannot wear tighter clothes. We still have a body but it’s just more rounded! I want younger women to see that it’s not a no go area to wear tight clothing if they happen to be on the overweight side. I grew up being told that if you’ve got fat pockets on you then you need to cover up in long flowing things that hide those parts.
Two black cats have crossed my path today! I’ve also had one of those feelings that I don’t like… dreams on and off for months. I haven’t said anything about my dreams because they involve others and as I’m on the psychic side I may pick up aspects of their life which it would be inappropriate to share on my blog. The ban on rental property evictions from tomorrow. I’ve always paid my rent but I still have red marks against my name in regards to being regularly told to go away via text due to my autism and the other week when I cancelled the routine gas inspection and ended up saying stuff in anger which I now regret but at the time I meant it. I haven’t said anything else or even made contact since our exchange of not very pleasant texts. I still worry that I will get my notice to leave too after the eviction ban ends. They might not be able to afford to keep the place and their personal circumstances (not going into dream details) may not allow them to keep the place and at the end of the day it won’t matter about my circumstances then.
I’m going to find it hard to find somewhere new but if it’s not working then I can’t willingly stay there knowing I’m causing hassle for someone else. I don’t want to complicate anyone else’s life by living in a place that they own which they can’t continue to afford. I have my own issues that won’t be helped by moving at this moment in time. That also makes me anxious. That is a huge move for me. I don’t like moving to the point I find it extremely stressful. As much as I ideally want change in my life, I find change initially mentally stressful due to being autistic. I need to be in the right head space to just go for it. I don’t think that is going to be me for a few years. I can temporarily pull myself together but unable to sustain that mindset yet. I’ve only just quit the alcohol completely. I won’t feel remotely myself until I’ve dropped the excess weight at the very least. I hope my ankle goes down soon because that isn’t making things easy either. I was told to call my gp about it by 111 helpline. They can see it and arrange an appointment for an x ray which doesn’t involve hours sat in A & E. I have to balance how I use it. If I use it too much then it swells up but it goes stiff if I don’t use it enough after the swelling goes down. I can feel the soreness in my toe area too so I’ve definitely damaged something in my foot/ankle area. I just hope that it’s easily fixed as I don’t want to have a deformed foot due to not getting it seen to when I actually injured it.
I did braids in my hair to wake up with naturally wavy hair. It’s kind of worked on one side but not that much on the other. I don’t think the hot weather helps because it has the whole frizz heat thing going on. I did put product on to help get the desired effect. It’s just gone a bit underwhelming. I did try to make it look better on the photo by applying mascara to my eyelashes. The fact that I have a lot of hair doesn’t make the parts that did go wavy stand out. I’m on a mini walk today because I out this evening and got stuff to tidy / clean up before I go out. Mister has strolled off somewhere outside so he will probably be waiting to go in when I get home. He doesn’t normally go out during the day. I did get pissed off with him earlier for peeing somewhere other than the litter tray. He knows that he was in trouble and I still wasn’t happy after cleaning it up. Then the wandering cat and another black cat from the neighbourhood was hanging around so he probably went out to tell them to get out of his space. It’s technically not his space but he classes it as his area. He likes to chill out there sometimes. He will have given up by the time I get home because he’s naturally that lazy.
I know that I haven’t acted like I am still emotionally / mentally tired for a few days. I still am but it feels less intense now that my university module is done for the academic year. I can now relax without strict deadlines. I can see it in my face that I’m still feeling tired. I can hear a cat snoring which is quite distracting trying to type this entry. I’m glad they’re chilled but they’re loud. I have allergies which are keeping me awake. I am very tired but I can’t settle tonight. I have sleep oil on my skin and even that isn’t doing much. I have more moisturised skin but it isn’t doing anything to get me to sleep. I’m just not in the right frame of mind to sleep. I’m worried about things I cannot control. I know that is pointless but it’s hard not to be concerned about where I’m going to live in a year. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I was just feeling the full extent of my emotionally and mentally tired state. I wish that I didn’t feel this way.
I am well aware that I probably shouldn’t be waking at all but I’m walking slower than normal. I delivered mail that got put in my box by accident by Royal Mail. I found the close but there was no numbers so I left the please do not bend brown envelope on the green electricity box at the top of their close. It’s for the initial P N at number 9 of NGs. I can’t be any more discreet than that. I don’t want the wrong person claiming it. I would have tried to find the house number of it hadn’t been one of those really close together estates where everything seems interlinked. I was nervous so didn’t want to appear suspicious. I only dropped it off because I happened to know where the street was as it’s around the corner from me. I didn’t have to do it, I could have put not known at this address and who knows where the envelope would have ended up then.
I can’t believe how hot it has got at the moment. I’m glad that it finally stopped raining. I’m not so happy with the fact the nice weather always brings me hay fever symptoms. I can’t wear any of my summery dresses because I’m too large for them right now. I am making the effort to lose the weight though. Long walks (in between ankle being a pain in the ass), started toning exercises because my stomach was really bugging me. It takes weeks/months to see results. I’m still cutting down the alcohol to nothing and don’t think I will start to see w huge difference until I’ve cut that side out all together. I have better skin already for cutting down. I have just two little bottles left so soon I will have cut down to no alcohol. I feel lots better physically and mentally for just cutting down. I drink more water than I ever have in my entire life nowadays. I still enjoy a bottle of Pepsi/cola when I’m walking (not so much this time of year as it tastes absolutely awful when it warms up). Everything in moderation is okay. That doesn’t make your skin go dry and spotty or make you get a tubby middle. I’m short so as soon as I gain any excess weight I start looking dumpy. I’ve been active from a young age: I can only walk as far regularly because I used to get away from stuff going on away from home by walking. I did the same when I was living in places that weren’t the nicest (I.e residential care home for autistic people). I go for a walk now to get out where I’m not on my own. I like my own company but being inside 24/7 isn’t good for anyone. I got so used to walking that I find it weird not to get out on a daily basis. I get a little frustrated when I’m ill and can’t go out for a bit. That can be a monthly occurrence when my hormones are concerned.