I learned to embrace the darkness.

I didn’t get better. I only learned to accept the dark painful parts of life. I had to do that otherwise I’d get depressed about so much of my life which I can never change. I’m not free from my personal hell which regularly takes over my mind. The past never truly goes away. The memories of those painful experiences just get locked away in the back of my mind. I only think of certain things on specific dates coinciding with anniversaries of things. I have conditioned myself to be numb so that I don’t feel hurt over life things. I use the dark experiences in my writing and other artistic things. Hurt is just a state of mind that I chose not to feel over anything. I do feel hurt initially but I file it away in my mind quite quickly. I’ve had to do this so that I don’t feel hurt by how others treat those of us that are autistic. We only get into trouble for reacting and that’s not fair. I know that if I’m to do the awareness / acceptance stuff every year that I have to be prepared for anything.

I have troll protocols for the blog. I don’t get them that often nowadays but that is due to my way of dealing with them. I can block any email or I.P address from commenting on here. The comments have to be approved so the nasty ones don’t get seen on the live site. I encourage anyone who has an issue to come to me directly rather than using the blog. I’ve blocked many people via social networks who didn’t have an issue but just wanted to cyber bully me. I give people a chance… if they’re nasty to me I just block them. We can discuss genuine issues but when it gets personal, vicious and troll like… I’m out. I have enough to deal with in life on a daily basis. Trolls carry heavy negative energy that I just don’t want to be around. I don’t argue with them because it’s pointless and they do the trolling for a reaction. These types get a kick out of knowing their comment has affected a person.

I know that it’s not always a good idea to internalise feelings and replace them with numbness. I don’t cry much nowadays. I barely even get angry. I just exist without feeling things that intensely.