Unpopular opinion alert…

I have been watching the news about various celebrities being called out on their conduct. That is absolutely fine but it’s started to go too far beyond giving someone a reprimand for being an abuser. Cancelling their productions isn’t fair. Everyone has to make money and that industry is difficult in regard to the fact that successful projects are the only way to get paid via contracts. Granted, these celebrities probably aren’t short of a few bob but where does it end? There are people who aren’t of that status who cannot afford to lose freelance contractual income. I fully understand the point of view from those that have been abused while working in the industry. It is far from fair but there continues to be a need for balance. I refuse to get into the argument regarding whether particular accused individuals should be allowed to have their work promoted. I just feel that at some point things go way too far.

The current generation doesn’t deal with issues, they merely highlight them and demand justice. I’m someone who wants justice for things that have happened to me but sometimes getting it is impossible. You’re just going to drag your own names through the mud and continually get cross examined by others which is going to have a major impact on your lives. I never saw that when I was younger… a lot of those that believe in cancel culture are much younger than me. It’s not a good move and I’m telling you this from experience before you ruin the next decade of your lives. Holding on to things fighting for justice until it’s valid to let go is a waste of time. It causes more trouble and all parties end up with more bad blood between each other.

I learned to embrace the darkness.

I didn’t get better. I only learned to accept the dark painful parts of life. I had to do that otherwise I’d get depressed about so much of my life which I can never change. I’m not free from my personal hell which regularly takes over my mind. The past never truly goes away. The memories of those painful experiences just get locked away in the back of my mind. I only think of certain things on specific dates coinciding with anniversaries of things. I have conditioned myself to be numb so that I don’t feel hurt over life things. I use the dark experiences in my writing and other artistic things. Hurt is just a state of mind that I chose not to feel over anything. I do feel hurt initially but I file it away in my mind quite quickly. I’ve had to do this so that I don’t feel hurt by how others treat those of us that are autistic. We only get into trouble for reacting and that’s not fair. I know that if I’m to do the awareness / acceptance stuff every year that I have to be prepared for anything.

I have troll protocols for the blog. I don’t get them that often nowadays but that is due to my way of dealing with them. I can block any email or I.P address from commenting on here. The comments have to be approved so the nasty ones don’t get seen on the live site. I encourage anyone who has an issue to come to me directly rather than using the blog. I’ve blocked many people via social networks who didn’t have an issue but just wanted to cyber bully me. I give people a chance… if they’re nasty to me I just block them. We can discuss genuine issues but when it gets personal, vicious and troll like… I’m out. I have enough to deal with in life on a daily basis. Trolls carry heavy negative energy that I just don’t want to be around. I don’t argue with them because it’s pointless and they do the trolling for a reaction. These types get a kick out of knowing their comment has affected a person.

I know that it’s not always a good idea to internalise feelings and replace them with numbness. I don’t cry much nowadays. I barely even get angry. I just exist without feeling things that intensely.

I know ok. Please can we put the past behind us.

I’m not able to sleep so I will post this before I forget because I keep meaning to do so. I know that someone visits this blog. I can feel it with my natural psychic intuitiveness and can also see it via technology. The stats on my site do not specifically say who the visitors are … I combine things I see on the screen with my ability to read energies. I don’t mind them visiting here. I can’t stop anyone visiting the blog because it’s a public website. I’m not hung up on this person any more. I truly regret what occurred in the past. I have grown up now and quite frankly don’t have the energy to be annoying at the moment. I want us to put the past behind us including discharging any legal orders which were made due to past events. I know that it doesn’t seem like a big deal to anyone but on principle I would feel much more relaxed if those things were undone.

I’m not being manipulative. The whole thing put me on edge for a long time and I’m still anxious on a daily basis nowadays. Mentally it would help me a lot if we could just undo everything and draw a line under it. We don’t even have to talk in the future. I have to accept that this is something they never wanted. It doesn’t matter if I wanted to be friends… most of the time the things I want isn’t worth anything to others. I just need closure to live an existence where I’m not constantly on the edge anxious and trying to chill by drinking too much etc. I’m sorry. I know that it doesn’t mean anything to anyone because I can’t change who I am. I can only apologise for who I have been and me when I’m seriously on one about something. I feel terrible about the things I’ve done when I’ve mentally been struggling. I will feel evil for those things my entire life.

Sleep pattern better but not fixed yet.

I still slept during the day today but got up a few hours earlier. I went out for a few bits to get out the house. I didn’t get out at all yesterday. I have just finished writing notes for my last assignment of the year for my open university module course. That sounds quite positive apart from the fact that I completely forgot I had a tutorial earlier. I only noticed when I realised what date it was… too late now. It’s recorded so I can still watch it at some point. I got into bed a while ago. I had to remove my cat because she had literally spread herself out from the middle of the bed. She’s small compared to mister but somehow manages to take over the entire area of my small double bed. She’s very comfy as she rolled over and fell back to sleep. I wish that I could sleep as well as a cat. I suppose it helps having no human worries. They literally get everything done for them. I even carry them around sometimes. I’m tired so hopefully I’ll be asleep soon while cuddling Mimi next to me. I can feel my ankle aching again. I don’t need painkillers for it now but it’s still irritating. I have my second vaccination on Monday. I’m hoping that it doesn’t give me too many side effects again. The first one hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m not looking forward to it but will be glad when it’s done.