I wish that things were different.

I’m not saying this because I feel depressed. I feel too tired to be depressed. I know that in reality things will never be okay between me and someone I will always want to be friends with. I know that we will never be friends. However, it doesn’t stop me wishing that everything was different. The things that happened means that what exists remains that way for life. I won’t get a chance due to everything that surrounds the situation. I’m continually punishing myself wishing things had worked out. I was a stupid idiot who shouldn’t have pushed things. If I really gave a crap about the other person I would have taken it slowly. I couldn’t make them like me but it would have been better if I hadn’t made them hate me. I didn’t do any of it on purpose. I still beat myself up over everything. I would love it if they actually liked me. I’m older now. I’ve settled down. I think I’m less annoying. I’ve learned how to be through major trial and error. I’ve worked hard. I can’t change the old me or anything that happened. I can only try to prove that I’m worth giving a chance. I will always want them in my life. I know the first time around was one of the worse introductions to each other. The situation we met in was totally doomed from the get go. I just want to start again with them. I can’t make them be friends with me. I will always care. Some people we always want in our lives despite knowing that it is not going to happen if the other person will never like me. I’m just never going to be good enough for them.

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