I can do ‘normal’ if I do a lot of prep beforehand /an interesting thing that came up in conversation recently.

I managed to get to the pharmacy to pick up my medication hours before it closed. I had to sleep from 5 pm to 9.30 on and off so that I wasn’t too tired to get out of bed at a decent hour this morning. It sounds ridiculous but it’s my reality. I feel more awake than I have in a while. This used to be my every day life before all the lockdowns started happening. Here was a part of me that enjoyed not having to be prepare myself for the entire day or more before my daily plans. Apparently, according to the government in England there aren’t going to be any more lockdowns. I expected a quiet day but ended up bumping into someone I’ve known online for a few years. I said hello etc and had to go before I didn’t get to pick up my medication again. If I hadn’t done all the preparation to make sure that I’m stronger than my anxiety then I would have done my usual avoidance of anyone I know tactic. It’s not mean it’s anxiety fuelled.

I grew up in a small town where you have to learn how to avoid certain people. I’m not getting involved in anything between anyone kind of attitude. I refuse to get recruited as anyone’s flying monkeys (there wasn’t an actual name for the narc approach back then). Everyone deserves a fresh start if they’ve screwed up before etc. Yes some people are always going to be a danger but I believe that everyone can make a decision to change even if they were a shit in the past. I’m brutal when people do the dirty in me though. I put up with a lot of warning flags when it comes to others in the past and ended up in dire consequences trying to be one of the nice ones. I may be one of the nice ones but I refuse to be stupid letting others treat me like I’m thick. I have met many narcissistic individuals in positions of power who have only got there because others are afraid to say no to them. I will be the one who dares to be part of pulling the rug from underneath them. There are some circumstances where you just have to try to convince others in higher positions of power and wait a while until the rein of their controlling bullshit crumbles down. It took me 4 years to collectively take down the toxic culture at the university. I have to live with the fact that I also took down someone who didn’t deserve it because they were on the lower end of the power triangle. I hate myself for that part. Karma did ping back on me though. I don’t think the vice chancellor of the university would have got taken out of shit hadn’t hit the fan in a major way.

Next part of this blog entry goes well with the whole theme of autism awareness month and what is seen as acceptable or normal in social situations. I never knew this before yesterday. I noted it in my brain for my next blog entry. This could also explain why I get the attitudes and reactions from others. Apparently, it is seen as weird to write pally messages to women you barely know that you want to strike up a friendship with… I do this so much and normally either get ignored, told to not message again or if they do reply I get seem as the weirdo acquaintance that they ‘put up with’. I wasn’t aware that this was a widely held unwritten social law. I would have thought that it was preferable to the guys tactics who either want to share a photo of their lower regions or are making it painfully obvious that they want to get into your knickers. Maybe I just don’t see things clearly? I have no malicious intentions. I am the kind of person who is completely true and honest with no hidden agendas. I have noticed that women (particularly straight ones) are automatically suspicious of other women. I don’t understand that…. yes, many women are manipulative bitches but don’t judge us all by that standard. That is a low bar that I refuse to stoop underneath. Our unwritten social rules make absolutely no logical sense. We should modernise them to avoid mental illness. This current unwritten system totally blows holes in the human mind. These rules were also constructed before the rise of the internet which makes them sound even more confusing.

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