I’m tired and today has been a struggle.

I literally have only slept a few hours waking up every so often… so basically I haven’t slept as you can barely call that actual sleep. I was tired enough to go to sleep last night but just lay awake. I eventually dropped off at half 10 this morning. I was awake by half 2. I have gone for a walk because I’ve been lazy too much the last couple of days. I can tell things aren’t right because I have scabby skin in places which happens when my body gets stressed for whatever reason. Yes I’m heavier than I was before all this lockdown situation happened. I keep going back down if I keep active so that’s not an issue. I’m not quitting alcohol yet… autism awareness month is going to be harder if I do not drink alcohol at all. I have never felt as old as I do at the moment. I’m probably just tired. I don’t want to be a key player in this years awareness stuff. The younger generation can do it. They are less damaged from experiences and have more excess energy left. April is not a great month for me in general because it’s Jonny’s birthday. That overshadows all my plans if I do make any on this month. He’s also now going to be old enough to form an opinion from what he sees and, more importantly, what he is told. He is getting to the age that he is going to judge me. If he is anything like me he is going to form an irreversible opinion. I was never an alcoholic or drug addict.

I was a victim of circumstances and didn’t deserve what happened to me. I may have turned to painkillers and alcohol after to deal with the trauma of all the adverse experiences. That wasn’t the person I used to be when they took him from me. Ask anyone who knew me at that time. Yes, I drank socially but lived a fairly innocent life when it came to substance abuse. I was like any other younger in their 20s. Those that knew me growing up that has dabbled in drugs etc saw me as the good girl who wouldn’t go near that shit. I did not chose my circumstances. I was failed like many others with similar conditions.