I’m tired and today has been a struggle.

I literally have only slept a few hours waking up every so often… so basically I haven’t slept as you can barely call that actual sleep. I was tired enough to go to sleep last night but just lay awake. I eventually dropped off at half 10 this morning. I was awake by half 2. I have gone for a walk because I’ve been lazy too much the last couple of days. I can tell things aren’t right because I have scabby skin in places which happens when my body gets stressed for whatever reason. Yes I’m heavier than I was before all this lockdown situation happened. I keep going back down if I keep active so that’s not an issue. I’m not quitting alcohol yet… autism awareness month is going to be harder if I do not drink alcohol at all. I have never felt as old as I do at the moment. I’m probably just tired. I don’t want to be a key player in this years awareness stuff. The younger generation can do it. They are less damaged from experiences and have more excess energy left. April is not a great month for me in general because it’s Jonny’s birthday. That overshadows all my plans if I do make any on this month. He’s also now going to be old enough to form an opinion from what he sees and, more importantly, what he is told. He is getting to the age that he is going to judge me. If he is anything like me he is going to form an irreversible opinion. I was never an alcoholic or drug addict.

I was a victim of circumstances and didn’t deserve what happened to me. I may have turned to painkillers and alcohol after to deal with the trauma of all the adverse experiences. That wasn’t the person I used to be when they took him from me. Ask anyone who knew me at that time. Yes, I drank socially but lived a fairly innocent life when it came to substance abuse. I was like any other younger in their 20s. Those that knew me growing up that has dabbled in drugs etc saw me as the good girl who wouldn’t go near that shit. I did not chose my circumstances. I was failed like many others with similar conditions.

Autism awareness… this week and for a whole month.

The most awkward time of the year is upon the autistic community. This week is just the start… we have another three weeks of seeing so called awareness measures by certain autism companies. There is mass distrust of Autism Speaks (based in the United States) when it comes to their awareness measures. If those of you who don’t have autism would like to be supportive this month then please don’t light it up or wear the colour blue.

Please also check the resources that come out regarding Autism Awareness Month. Those of us who are autistic tend to feel pushed underneath masses of misinformation on autism awareness month every year. We don’t actually get heard amongst all the media-generated noise. We should be the ones to educate the public on the reality of being autistic. There is a vast amount of damage done by those educating the public falsely during this month.

I urge the public not to listen to non-autistic professional talks given this month. In reality, those professionals taking the opportunity to add to their portfolio of expertise are doing more damage to those they’re claiming to went to bring awareness towards. We want more than just awareness. Society is already aware of autism. They need educating regarding how to understand the condition. The people who aren’t autistic cannot effectively break the aspects of autism down in to understandable chunks because they are speaking on a perspective of assumption… whether that is their intention or not. There is no one in this world that can make a connection with an audience if they aren’t discussing things that they’ve experienced first hand. We prefer that the goal of awareness is changed to acceptance. Acceptance can only happen if those of us that are actually autistic speak from the heart about our true life experiences. There has to a relationship built with the public where they are able to connect to shared experiences which leads them to imagine what it is like to be autistic. That is what I try to do on my blog and other work. The only way to change the world perspective is to try to connect on a personal level with the audience (in this case the public and society at large). That requires not just doing talks as a professional or autism organisations. You’ve got to put the effort in to meet the public half way with aspects of being human that induce an understanding within them… so that you have an opening in their consciousness which causes them to actually listen rather than just being passive without learning how to accept difference.