I used to go to my mum’s on Saturday nights for pizza and for Sunday lunch. That used to be the routine every weekend for many years. I’ve slowly stopped doing that more recently despite that being my household bubble. I’m grown up now.
Now she gets all offended, moaning at me that she’s lonely. It isn’t my fault that no one else goes to see her. She doesn’t do internet communication so that means she is cut off. Unlike me; I communicate online with people on a daily basis. Mostly it’s indirect but I don’t get lonely because I’m not a people person after my negative experiences. I’m an introvert so I feel okay when I experience interaction in small dosages.
I made sure she had a card and present for Mother’s Day. I don’t like being moaned at for taking care of my own needs. I don’t like feeling trapped in a solid routine for years on end. It isn’t good for me mentally. I sometimes want to be alone for a sustained amount of time. I get irritated by feeling stuck. I am bad enough on days I don’t go for a walk feeling restless in the middle of the night, let alone doing the same thing over and over again. I know that people assume that routine is comforting to autistic people but that isn’t completely me. I like to have a change occasionally. We haven’t done anything new since dad passed away.
I was given a hard time when I lost my son to adoption because she saw that as me providing her with a new aspect of life. It shouldn’t always be up to me. I shouldn’t have to live with the guilt that she’s lonely. I’m her daughter not a friend. I have my own associates (maybe not proper friends), trying to build my own life despite my difficulties and trauma of my past experiences.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 