I am just tired of every day life. Surviving the prison of mental illness is sometimes too much. I wish that I would just fall asleep forever. I’m not even suicidal. I just can’t do existing any longer. It isn’t due to lockdown… it’s me. I’m constantly haunted by my past. I just can’t get rid of the heaviness that the guilt has left on my shoulders. I logically know that I couldn’t help certain things due to my autism. The mentally ill part of me literally tells me that having autism is my fault. I long to feel again. I can’t any more due to the long term effects of anti depressants. I do cry about things but I still feel numb. I seriously need to quit the alcohol because my lower back is quite sore tonight. I think I’ve officially damaged some organs. I have drank so much this week every evening. I long to fall asleep and not wake up again. I want dad to come get me because this physical world is full of pain and pointless. I don’t want to feel like I’m clinging onto some hope for peace every single day of my life. I always have a mind full of the effects of trauma. I’m too tired now.