Family are just as awful as the outside world. I fell asleep again due to mental exhaustion. Then my mother doesn’t talk to me again when I ring her due to inconveniencing her. I told her earlier that so was struggling. People act like we do it on purpose. I don’t want to feel like that and indirectly let others down. I end up feeling like there is more weight on me due to the opinions of others. It is like when I was at college and I was unable to get there on time due to the same issues. I was handed targets to get to the college by the set time otherwise I faced being told to leave. The judgement, sanctions if we can’t do certain things is out of order. I only just managed to go for a walk today. I can barely be bothered eat at the moment to the point where despite still consuming alcohol I’ve lost a bit of weight.
What really gets to me is when family complain about how the way you are annoys them. However, when you consider the option of going for help they’re like no keep the authorities out of your life due to what happened previously. I know that this areas mental heath services and support is quite inappropriate in this area. I’m friends with a private therapist (after previously being a client, it works differently off the nhs) and even they say that the services are more harmful to those that are different etc. I met them by chance when so much complicated things were active in my life. She had a lot of those failed by the system and up seeing her. If those inside the system can see the disaster we are potentially walking into as neurodivergent people then the system must be a complete mess. I know it from both sides but I’m too tired to keep in my current situation.
After the pandemic is over there is going to be a huge fall out when it comes to those things already had mental health issues and those that have acquired them due to the current lockdown situation. The services just won’t be there because they couldn’t handle the current workload that they had initially. The police are going to end up dealing with more mental health related calls and the courts are going to mostly full of those with mental illness.
Those of us that could help the system can’t do so due to the labels that prevents them from training in certain fields. I would train if I knew it was our only way to stop shit hitting the fan. Those of us that have been in the likes of mental hospitals, care homes and so on aren’t frightened by those environments. We had to live there 24/7 when the staff got to go home after their shift. Those of us that have been there way before the current situation can relate to their struggles. We know what to do and more importantly what not to do for the people in those environments.
I would also work in prison too. People who have no experience of prison think that I’m absolutely mad. The environment is not as bad as you might imagine if you’ve not been there. You just have to learn the environment on the wing (all are different) and that may involve getting smacked. Luckily I didn’t get hurt because I learned the strength-in-numbers thing. It’s vitally important to make sure you’re never alone and don’t swap stuff with other prisoners. I only gave things to others that I didn’t eat like crisps and apples if they asked me nicely and only to the group I hung around with while in there.
The stories I heard in there changed my perception. I was typically like many others before I went in there. I found a high number of women who had been adopted in there. One of them told me that they wished that their biological mum was like me with my son. She tracked her biological mum who had two more children and never spoke about her. That wasn’t the worst part. She was totally rejected. She self harmed and ended up in prison because she tried to commit suicide. I would love to shake her biological mother and tell her that she should be at least a little receptive to her child coming looking for her. I would never do that to my son… even if I had more children and with someone.
I’m always open about my son being adopted despite many others making me feel that it’s something to be ashamed of… that attitude is fuelling many mental illnesses of parents who have had children removed through circumstances. In many cases it’s not the parent’s fault. I’m not giving every one of them an excuse; there are some that are an actual danger to their children. But the structure of the current services does not help the parents that just require a little assistance with adjusting to their new roles. Instead you are forced to attend lots of pointless meetings, given a timescale to meet the requirements and then have your babies snatched or you don’t meet the ‘grade’. That is what happens if you have been in the system as a child if you decide to have children.
Some of these social workers don’t even have their own children. They would feel the stress of the reality if they had any of their own. I wasn’t well when I had my son. I got post-natal depression and a traumatic birth hindered by the fact that he was 9 lbs and I’m a petite build. I couldn’t even get up to go the toilet after he was born because they’d frozen my lower limbs and given me a catheter. This was in 2012. I hear that things like post-natal depression and psychosis are better understood nowadays but women who had previous children placed for adoption are having their subsequent babies taken mostly at birth and placed in care for time-scaled adoption proceedings.
There concludes my rant officially for tonight. Thanks for reading!