Early night didn’t happen. Anxiety can be quite disruptive.

I went to bed quite early but then couldn’t sleep. I’m just anxious. I have someone coming to set up the network for my printer tomorrow. It’s not like the person is even a stranger. I’ve used his services several times and he understands autism due to his son being on the spectrum. He works with computers so if he can’t set that thing up then I know it’s not working. It won’t find the printer at the moment even with the set up disk in. The printer (scanner all in one thing) does work because I have managed to print out the test pages. I just have to get someone who knows how to install drivers and other technical stuff that is beyond me. I’m always anxious when I know that I have to be up the next day. Then I sometimes do not sleep at all… that can be quite disruptive on all my plans for the next day. The constant feeling of being tired is stressful. I end up constantly grumpy with others. Then people assume that is my natural personality. I assure you that it isn’t but insomnia makes me a little uncomfortable during the day. The cat (mister) decided to pee against the wardrobe earlier. That didn’t help me feel any better. I think that I have trained him not to behave that way but then he will do it again. I now have three litter trays down so he has no excuse. None of them are to the point that they need changing as they’re done regularly. I clean their food bowls out a few times a day and let them sleep on my bed. He has no excuse to act up. It’s just an extra thing for me to clean up. He’s now fallen asleep on my bed after his last feed of the day. It’s raining so they probably won’t want to go out tonight. Before people start saying you can’t have people in your home. Yes you can have services enter your home under lockdown rules. He’s going to be working on the network issue. I always have my windows open and never go too close to others so it’s all Covid secure. I’m tired but anxiety is making me restless. That confuses my brain because it’s pulling me in two opposite directions. I hate it when I get to this point.

I seriously wish that the gp prescribed sleep medications still as that is literally the only thing that turns my brain off enough to fall asleep when I’m like this… which is a lot. They don’t prescribe them any longer due to findings that people were getting addicted to them. The Z drug has also been a factor in a few cases where husbands or partners have drugged their wives which eventually led to their deaths. Why should we all suffer because of those that have abused a particular medication? Those of us that have experienced trauma need to sedate our brains for a break from all the awful memories which can and do circle around our minds before sleep. I never go one single night without the events of losing my son to adoption going through my head before I attempt to sleep. Snippets of the events throughout that time. It’s the first thing I think of after waking too. I can’t control that as it’s how I responded to the trauma of losing my son to adoption. I never truly rest which is probably why I’m tired even when I do sleep.

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