I have had one of those days. I’m currently waiting outside in the cold for our chips. I went to mums to wash the car. I have wet cold feet from that task and now having to wait in the cold weather. I’m going to be glad to get home tonight. I’m helping my mum with something on the computer which is any I’m over here for dinner. I had to wait only because part of my order wasn’t cooked for 5 minutes.
I have always longed for a female best friend my entire life. I now feel that in reality that is never going to happen. Aside from the fact that they all assume that a lesbian will try to hit on them, I just naturally clash with others of the same sex. I seem to upset them just by being myself. I also upset them when I try my hardest to not be me either.
Maybe it’s that we’re naturally the most complex sex. I used to be gutted about never being capable of having a best friend of the same sex. I got used to the fact that other girls just don’t seem to like me.
It’s less bitchiness in my life. Women are naturally prone to gossip and bitching others. They’ve all done it whether they admit it or not. I don’t know why it has to be that way but it seems to be a social construct deeply routed into our society. I’m not innocent in that department. I can get quite vindictive with other women if I feel crossed or hurt by their actions.
The reality of our social interactions is far from ideal. Men hate the way we can be when we do clash. Men simply communicate their differences by physical violence and then get over it. But women fight in so many ways involving lots of layers. I may not understand the details of those layers due to my autism, but I can naturally do them like a non autistic woman.
At the same time, I hate conflict. That means I never end up finishing any conflicts in my life because I literally get afraid of the other person. I hate the dynamics of adult relationships and friendships. It all seems so fake to me. Sincerity seems to have reduced as age increases. It was so simple as a teenager or younger adult. The only thing you had to do was hang with each other, tag along and hope for the best. That is seen as weird when you’re no longer young.
I’m sure that others agree who have had similar experiences to me. We all assume that a diagnosis will open up a supportive network of professionals and access to support services which look after our wellbeing rather than making our lives more stressful. This has never been the reality. There’s services out there but their structure and ways of doing things certainly aren’t fit for purpose when it comes to accommodating autistic people. I don’t often admit this due to the fact that no one cares enough to assist me to change things. I struggle with my autism quite a bit. I may act okay and confident. That’s a front, part of a mask I learnt to put on in public. I don’t see the point in showing my struggles if it’s become apparent over the years that no one gives a crap. I can’t get help for autism because every time I was open I ended up punished. I voiced my concerns to the council about services not helping and now they won’t give me anything. I’m seen as a problem due to voicing my issues. I don’t have many family and they don’t understand autism either. Other people get services paid for by the like cleaners for their homes just because they’re overweight. The state of my flat can really affect my functioning but every time a social worker has come out to access me they say there’s nothing that they can offer. I am no longer even eligible for a social worker despite having learning disabilities listed on my medical records. I fully get that no one can help in regard to relationships because my autism and lack of trust after my experiences make them virtually impossible to maintain. I just could do with a little assistance sometimes.