I can’t live with the pain of things that have happened in my life any longer. I am too chicken to take my own life but I can feel my inner pain slowly killing me. I can no longer feel emotion. That is weird because I’m also in tears typing this entry. The memories of the painful things that’s happened in my life eats away at me every single day. It makes me constantly tired. I’ve felt this coming for a long time but tried to keep bouncing back. This time I don’t think it’s going to be possible. Some things that happen a person can never get over. I’ve been like that since they took away my son for adoption. I was never broken by anything else that life threw at me. Living this painful, yet emotionally numb existence, is too much at this point.
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Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 
29 responses to “My story ends soon, very tired.”
Emma!!! Please look after yourself. Please. You’re actually a very good person. Just too sensitive.
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I’m too sensitive to lose my son to adoption and not eventually lead to the end of me.
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Just live moment to moment for a few days. These feelings will pass. Lie down and hug Missy. OOOOOOOOOOO
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Even the cats don’t want to hang with me tonight. I’ve lived in the moment for a long time.
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Yes! Listen to music!
Or make soup or cocoa.
Small things that give comfort …
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Hot milk with nutmeg,
Read passages from a favourite book.
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I don’t like those things.
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Well do what you like then! 🙂
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I want to sleep but it’s not happening.
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Keep in mind that once your son is a certain age he can look for you.
And once you finish that law degree you may be able to bring about a reunion even sooner.
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I don’t think I can finish the degree.
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Well I have just got myself back on Circadin because my own unhappiness was causing sleep problems.
It works a bit too well but that’s preferable to no sleep and constant agitation.
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I imagine there’s nothing like a legal textbook to help one get to sleep! 😀
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All my coursework is online
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OK. I had so much trouble finishing my BA. I even got thrown out of Uni and had to re-apply to get back in. Took me 6 years to do a 3 year pass degree. I did not know or understand at the time it was my autism. Anyway, I did finish. Next degree went much more smoothly. I was “old” (30s) by then but it didn’t matter because things were coming together and I even got a job I liked. It just takes longer for autistic people Em. Depression was (and sometimes still is) a major issue but that doesn’t stop you having a good life. And autism or depression does not stop you finishing a degree so long as you know how it affects you and your study and finding ways to alleviate or mitigate.
Is there nothing boring in the house to read then? 😀 You will need to go to a bookshop and ask for recommendations on boring books then!!
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Nope, I don’t read books much. As a woman I no longer have any time left to do the whole children thing successfully as I’m approaching mid 30s now.
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Comics, magazines, the labels on packets or cans of food or cleaning products!! 😀
Well if you actually want kids, then yes you’d want to move things along a bit. Freezing one’s eggs is now possible but I doubt the NHS will cover that!
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Too expensive to freeze eggs.
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Kids and study is possible with a supportive partner … Part time study is an option.
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Not got a partner
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Well autistic people can find relationships very hard. Offhand I’d say study is actually easier than relationships or social stuff. I would rather study than go to a party. I have had 2 successful relationships but there were countless failures and a lot of stress and drama in between. What is interesting to me is I’m pretty certain the two successful ones were/are autistic and/or ADHD. I don’t do normal very well ….
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Studying is lonely.
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Well evidently you want a partner and/or a friend. 🙂
With Lockdown and Distance Education that’s a bit tricky at present.
But that will change.
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Hope you’re sleeping now …
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Trying
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Perhaps I should be quiet then
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I’ve been there, too, several times in my life. Extreme depression. Even psychosis. I’m glad and lucky to be alive today. The best thing I ever did was reach out for support, both personal and professional help. I’m not going to suggest different things that may help you feel better – chances are, they would just be a band-aid at best. I highly encourage you to seek help, especially if you are feeling suicidal. Sending much love your way ❤ Stay strong, lovely.
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I’m not suicidal, just tired.
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That’s good to know. You had me worried !!!
I recall recently hearing Tony Attwood say in a Youtube lecture that people with Autism can wake up in very different (i.e., more or less able to cope) states of mind day to day.
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