I slept for barely an hour and after I woke up I couldn’t get back to sleep. I was tired from not sleeping the night before so I should have been tired enough. I watched Netflix for a few hours I was also thinking about life. That never helps you fall asleep but I had stuff on my mind. This lockdown is dragging out… seems like it won’t ever end. Other countries have even gone back into lockdown that were previously virus free. I’m sure I am not the only one climbing the walls wanting some form of normality to return. Can anyone actually remember life before covid, masks and social distancing as it’s been nearly a full year now and rumoured to last until well into 2022. Places may reopen before then but there will still be some restrictions. The constant noise of anti vaccine groups and those thinking that this whole pandemic is a hoax can get extremely irritating. Those types are essentially causing this whole situation to last longer. They’re telling people not to cooperate which doesn’t help get us out of the current mess.
I’m just as counterproductive in my own life. I just can’t be sensible when it comes to other people. I feel stupid for wanting to see someone that was practically trouble by their presence in my life. I’m more mature than when we met now. I wouldn’t have admitted my lie in public if I hadn’t grown up. It was a huge burden on my shoulders on a daily basis for years. I never wanted to admit it before because it was all about looking good in public. That doesn’t matter to me any longer. I know that I won’t ever be able to make up for the lies I told and the consequences that materialised from them. I used to want to be liked by others. That was so important to me that I lost any sense of humanity in the process. I just want to see the other person, when this lockdown finally ends, to be able to not feel guilty. That will give me the hope back as it will no longer feel like a anchor locking me into depression and the drive I used go have will return. I will no longer feel tired all the time because my energy will be restored by us finally drawing a line under it. I know that it’s impossible to hate me after everything. I just need to hear that I’m forgiven etc before I will be mentally free. That’s vital for my well-being long term. The ball is firmly in their court due to legalities but I hope that they finally decide to meet in person one day to release me from the guilt and the crippling tiredness which accompanies all those feelings.