I still hate myself just as much as before I confessed.

I don’t feel any better for confessing to my awful actions back a few years ago. It doesn’t matter if I’m a better person nowadays. I was a shit for way too many years. I just always wanted to fight the world and everyone who crossed me. It makes me feel sick. I don’t deserve anything good despite that karma came back on me. I’m evil to the core. That is my soul. I was born evil. It seemed to be my natural instinct. There are times in my life when I wanted to make people suffer. Especially when I was young. It’s like I drew pleasure from revenge. I threw sand in my best friends eyes when we were quite small. I never thought much of that incident but that was the beginning. I think I was mad at her for moving area so that she wouldn’t be at the same school. She doesn’t remember it being for a reason though because we were both quite young. We never kept in touch because they were in the year above me at a different school. They had a new group of friends. I did for a while at school. I’m not besties with any of them but I have them on social networks. I tended not to be close buddies with anyone due to my autism making me distant and wanting my own space a lot.

One thought on “I still hate myself just as much as before I confessed.

  1. Yes. When I was younger I was like that too.
    Terrible at primary school. I was a kid well into my late 30s. Extreme emotions and often very aggressive and even violent reactions. Learning to control one’s feelings was (and is still) not easy. There are so many acts I would take back if I could

    I think it takes “high functioning” autistic people longer to grow up emotionally and to become (somewhat more albeit probably never fully) aware of the feelings of others and the effect they can have on others.

    Well it Does matter that you’re a better person. That’s the process of growing up.

    And no, you’re not evil. That’s clearly evident from this Blog.

    The bad feelings won’t necessarily resolve instantly on confessing. It will take time. A personal apology might help more but that may be too fraught for you at present. But you’ve made a crucial first step.

    It might help to work through this with a professional… I say this because I don’t want to start giving advice that I’m not in a position to give.


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