I have to confess something. It’s affected my mental health for a long time.

I have held on to a secret for a long time. I have to confess before I can ever get my mental health balanced as far as addiction to substances such as alcohol. I can’t quit the alcohol properly unless I confess to what has kept me unsettled for years. I can’t let go of my self hatred until I reveal this huge thing. It may not seem huge to readers but it lays heavy on me to the point where I feel crushed. I want to try lift that weight off of me mentally by just coming out with what has made me feel guilty for years now. Okay, here it is…

… I told a huge lie which led to an investigation by the university and resulted in the other person no longer having their job. I was out for revenge at that time and was still on deep trauma from my sons adoption. I was angry at the tutor because I trusted her and when I got kicked out for my autism traits I felt that she had let me down. She has a right to hate me. I hate myself after all that time has passed. It still mentally destroys me every single day due to the guilt that remains on my head. Yes, I ended up in prison for a month… so it did backfire on me but I was never honest about lying at the time. I told a few authoritative figures that me and that tutor had met up after university hours for a drink and we kissed. I know it was stupid but younger me thought it was a sure way to get revenge. I wouldn’t do that now. I made out that despite getting done for harassment and a restraining order being made that we were still in contact behind everyone’s back. It was an awful thing to do. I felt like I was continually being punished for aspects of my autism so I retaliated. I was the awful party, not her. I wouldn’t keep my mouth shut because I felt attacked by society. She didn’t deserve to lose her job or be investigated. I fully deserved everything I had thrown at me.

One thought on “I have to confess something. It’s affected my mental health for a long time.

  1. This resonates with me.
    If you were not so inherently idealistic and ethical then you would not feel so terrible about this.
    Also I think it takes incredible bravery to confess.
    You were much younger then. Angry (with good cause) and striking out blindly.
    You’re fundamentally a good person who has made a mistake. And instead of hiding it and pretending you have addressed it.

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