Day: January 17, 2021

I don’t want to throw the blame at others for how my life turned out. I don’t want to get into the pointing fingers as that causes trouble. I just want a peaceful life. I only have social media due to the blog promoting side. I do not wish to personally be involved in anything. I was let down by every single person I met growing up. I admit that I was a challenge but it was down to lack of maturity, nothing to do with having any malice. That is why I don’t blame other people for their lack of understanding. This world is complicated. The many types of autism, mental illness etc is a mind field.

I feel the same way about my undergraduate law degree material. I know that I have to get my head around all that vast amount of information and develop the critical thinking required to pass the qualification to eventually be able to change things for people like myself. I’m sure many of my readers have read the ‘about em’ page. I therefore do not have to go over my experiences in detail again. Those that haven’t read it can look up the details by accessing that page after reading this entry. I suffer ptsd type effects due to what I wax put through at the hands of the system. I felt like I was losing my mind quite a lot in my teens and throughout my twenties. I still feel the trauma lingering with me approaching my mid 30s. It never truly goes away. I’m involved in organisations and social networking groups which can be triggering at times. I’m there to help others using my first hand experiences. I don’t always take into consideration that those discussions could affect me. Until I’m qualified in 4 years (part time degree) I can’t do anything else on a professional level. I don’t intend to become a solicitor. I feel more confident when it comes to the paralegal admin side of things. I’m not a confident speaker despite how I come across when writing. I suffer with anxiety around other people due to my experiences so certain things would be extremely difficult to overcome until I’m ready, if I’m ever ready. I can never settle due to those experiences. Insomnia may be an issue for me but that is caused by the trauma of memories I cannot stop bugging me causing nightmares etc. I act like I cope but sometimes I’m putting on a brave face and literally mentally holding myself together by a thread. I long to be able to sleep peacefully after many years of feeling constantly tired all the time. That will never happen due to being unable to put my past to properly rest. There are so many loose ends that will never be sorted. I feel like so many things were left unfinished. I feel like an evil person for not tying up the loose ends or trying to finish things so that a line can be drawn without the lasting trauma continuing to haunt me during my present life.