Depression hits like a brick wall at times.

I’m lucky to have even dragged myself from my bed today. I just felt so down. I could have spent the day in bed but that wouldn’t have helped. I needed a drink of water because I was dehydrated. The cats also needed feeding while I was up. I’m half up. I just need to get dressed soon. I’m more interested in drinking a glass of water at the moment. I felt so awful when I woke up. Every part of my skin has gone so dry it’s literally sore. I don’t remember to drink sometimes. Alcoholic drinks can be more dehydrating. I may enjoy drinking those things but they don’t help. We all have to keep sane somehow right now while we are being told to stay home. I can’t drink strong stuff due to being a lightweight. I didn’t drink for a few years which reduced my alcohol capacity even further. That was fine before all the current situation started. I need a glass of alcoholic drink just to watch the news at the moment. I’m sure that I can’t be alone on that one. I know that some people say that those with depression shouldn’t watch the news. I don’t believe in hiding from reality. We live in a terrible world being ravished by a pandemic and climate change. We can’t hide from the pandemic issues or climate change. You can have a positive perception of life but that doesn’t change the reality of the wider world. I can think lucky all I want but that may not bring positive things into my life.

I sometimes get down about aspects of my past. That is normally caused by being involved in discussions relating to things I’ve experienced. That happened today when someone mentioned a section 20 document in a group online which supports parents going through child protection issues. It brought things back for me. I still feel that I was tricked by services to end up losing my son. I wish that I had never signed those documents regarding handing over my social services records for support while I was pregnant and signing the section 20 when it all fell apart and their involvement pushed me over the edge. I hate myself for not being stronger. I trusted too easily. Others have had other children after signing a section 20 and losing their first to adoption; they also list them despite it being over 5 years. That makes me scared to have any more children. I also feel that is unfair as I can’t have a proper life. I’ve had to fight for the life that I’ve managed to get due to various labels attached to me when I was younger. I don’t want to have to constantly go into battle to get things that others take for granted. It is tiring and leads to depression as it’s stressful. That stress over many years eventually causes knock on effects in regards to health issues. I seemed to have a way of just not feeling the stress during my younger years. It was a short lived experience while whatever occurred happened. The trauma of those things crept up on me as I got to my late twenties. It has hit me like a ton of bricks since hitting my thirties. I hear that it only gets worse towards middle age. The joys I have to look toward to sound great (sarcasm).

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