I feel broken :(

I’m probably over tired. I can’t sleep again. I just feel overwhelmed which stops me from switching off. I feel sick. I cried so much earlier. I read about the 8 year old that had died of covid. I kept thinking that the child must have been so scared before they passed away. It’s hard enough for adults to get their head around, let alone a child. The fact that the government won’t close schools is quite worrying. I have a son of the same age out there somewhere. He has inherited asthma so if it goes through schools and he catches it then it might cause death or permanent disability. Dad had inherited asthma and it turned into something else due to his job environment. This virus could cause the same long term effects for my son. I’m urging the schools to not reopen because I’m scared for his well-being. I don’t want him to lose his life during the pandemic surging through schools. I would no longer be able to hope we would reconnect at some point if that happened. It’s heartbreaking enough not being able to see him since he was 14 months old. I have to live every single day feeling like a piece of me ceased to exist the day he was no longer able to see me and the adopters adopted him. I numb myself most of the time. I just had to cry tonight. I feel powerless with the situation currently happening around us. I feel things and pick things up in dreams… but I can’t do anything and that frustrates me. Why do I have those abilities when I cannot possibly change what may be? I just want proper sleep but I’m restless constantly. I feel ill through lack of sleep at this point. I would gladly sleep for a few days if I could manage to actually get to sleep. I wake up every few hours when I do actually sleep. That doesn’t feel like proper sleep either. Then the cat pulls some of the paper we put on the wall last year. I did that to repair the cat damage but now the little shit has started on bits of the wall again. I’m exhausted. I do things and they constantly get undone again.

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