Survivor guilt – pandemic style.

I have felt like this for a few days. I feel guilty that the virus hasn’t caused my death. I know that it is morbid but I think of all those that passed away who had family and were involved in important things. I’m still alive and don’t have a family or important job/role in society. It’s not fair. I therefore feel guilty for surviving (so far) this pandemic when they weren’t spared. It’s not over yet and I shouldn’t tempt fate by saying I’ve survived it. Life has a way of biting me in the behind when I least expect it.

I just feel really guilty that so many people have lost their lives. Most of them were more than I could ever hope to be in life. Jonny doesn’t even know I exist due to being adopted. I wouldn’t be missed if the virus took me down. I don’t have a partner who relies on me. The cats would get a home quite quickly because so many people have fallen in love with their photos/videos. I don’t like feeling guilty for being alive but right now reality is creating that way of thinking.

Saturday snooze!

Both myself and the cats decided to spend most of today sleeping. We were all too comfortable and none of us had to get up today. I kept a drink of water next to me so that I didn’t have to get up for at least a few hours. Mimi decided to get up first to go get some of her food in the cat bowls. Mister has gone that way too. I am thinking of getting up but have no intentions just yet. I’m not lazy. I needed the rest after my long walk yesterday. The cats enjoy sleep time. Mimi has insisted on laying on the top of my head most of the day. Mister curled up next to me. I cuddled them both resulting in loud purring. It’s an activity for them. They spend most of the day sleeping with or without my company. I may be summoned for food duties soon. Mister is starring at me. Mimi hasn’t joined him yet but it doesn’t take long. They have dry food. The wet food is their favourite though. I’m not sure if I’m still tired or not fully awake yet. I feel like a zombie. I cut down on alcohol so I am not remotely intoxicated at this earlier hour.

I’m already up and out … yes I’m surprised too.

I barely slept last night. I kept waking up because I knew that I had to be up at an earlier hour this morning. I’ve done my earlier plans, now I’m on a walk after picking up my medication. It’s weird being out during the day light hours. I’ve not seen daylight outside for at least a few days. I’ve been up but inside. I would just like to say something about a thing that is irritating me at the moment. The male attention that I’m getting online is really getting too much. I am used to messages via social networks. I’m pleasant to them but tell them categorically I’m not interested. Then some guy from India somehow got hold of my mobile number and started WhatsApping me. That is definitely crossing my boundaries. I don’t like using that app anyway but I never gave him my number to contact me on there. I need to be honest here. I don’t know if it’s my autism side or just who I am as a person. I’m not someone who can be in a relationship. I’m unable to commit to anything or anyone without ruining it. I subconsciously do things to ruin it without being able to stop myself. I can never be present in a relationship. Emotionally I will always be elsewhere. You’re just wasting my time and yours.

I’m a bit better now.

I can function so much better since I am actually sleeping properly. I get more things done because I’m not too tired to do every day things. I’ve nearly finished my TMA. The first two questions are in note form but as I have my extension I’m not going to rush finishing it. It turned out that it was fortunate I managed to get an extension granted. I lost my first set of notes as the system updated and we could no longer log in with our personal email address one drives. We now have to use our university email log in. The original deadline was today at midday which would have been impossible to meet if I’d had to start again without my extension. The most irritating thing about losing this years work was that I had every TMA from last module on there because I used that one drive last year.

I’m having me time while typing this entry. I decided to wash my hair (it was due its weekly wash). I then went out for a walk. I had damp hair. It’s better to air dry hair than blow dry it with hair dryer. The less heat equals less frizz when dry. I used detangler conditioner in my hair. The thickness of my Shri means that there still is knots which I had to tease out with my detangling comb.

The air drying hair idea works until it starts raining. I’ve covered it all with my hood so it can’t get wet again.

Today has been chilled. Avoiding burn out.

I wasn’t going to go out for a walk today but got extremely bored. I went out for a short walk before my food shop was delivered. I walked up a steep hill realising that I was quite unfit half way up. I don’t walk every single day now and it shows. I never used to touch alcohol which also has probably made me more unfit. I woke up this morning totally reluctant to even get up. I’ve now had a clean up and a bath after I got home from walking.

I was avoiding burn out by going to bed early last night. I couldn’t do anything due go a very severe migraine. I literally had to lay in the dark sipping water regularly so that it went away by the morning. I think that I may have been dehydrated due to too much alcohol consumption recently. I felt a lot better when I woke up this morning. I wasn’t bloated and my migraine was finally gone. I felt like I was approaching burn out. I can think straight now I’ve had a decent nights sleep.