The Social Workers Book of Dirty Tricks
Nick Y. Orchids
Hi, I am Nick Y. Orchids and I am going to show you, the newly qualified social worker, how to deal with those annoying things in life such as parents, the law and how to earn yourself brucey bonus’s and brownie points too.
Your manager and Director will of course have spoken to you about your role in reality, all that garbage about supporting families, who cares about them, its the prime, juicy children we want and of course there are millions of barren couples out there just itching to get their hands on a made to meausre child without all that fuss of childbirth and pregnancy, our job is to help them with this and to earn your local council some extra cash too which can’t be bad.
Remember, you are a social worker, you can never be in the wrong, you know more than doctors, lawyers, police and teachers when it comes to kids, after all why on earth did you take three years in college if not to become an expert in so many fields, you are above criticism and if you do get caug… into trouble always remember the social worker motto.
“I was doing it for the childs best interests” And everyone will love you and think what a wonderful job you are doing too. (Because if they don’t they go on your list of children to take and they had better believe it)
Two against one, getting gang banged by social workers.
First up, is the bread and butter of our job, putting words into other people’s mouths and with word processing programmes so readily available, we don’t even have to type it all out again but copy and paste some of the choicest quotes of them parents which you and your colleague can decide on at your leisure.
Don’t of course embellish it tooooo much because whilst Judges are our friends even they aren’t that stupid but a little salt and pepper in the reports can ease your job so much and of course that’s what it is all about isn’t it?
Tell the parent that you will not talk to them with anyone else present (we don’t want witnesses to spoil the fun do we?) and check to see if there is anything like tape recorders or video cameras about, lead your vict… er client through your questions but make sure your partner has it in their head to interrupt, to take the discussion back and forth, adept workers who do this can have even the most diligent parents in a state of confusion and well, you have a witness to all they have said.
When leaving, take some time at Starbucks to review and edit their answers, remember not to go nuts but a nice line of self condemnation works best…
This of course is talking about the parents but we use this too on the children, make them play catch up and suddenly they are saying yes to whatever you ask, just keep them questions coming thick and fast and your colleague and you can then at a later time say “You know when you said your family were beating you up” and the child won’t remember this and of course this is to be expected and it goes down in the report that the child is so traumatised that they cannot talk about it.
Guillotining, cake not required.
Case not going your way, run out of options? You look like your adoption bonus is going out the window? Fear not as a tried and tested method of sorting out the very worst of cases is to chop off its head… literally.
You can use a multitude of reasons, your computer blew up, your pen ran out of ink, the tsunami in the car park washed away your draft care plan, be imaginitive, be inventive as Judges will give you extra points for the best excuses around.
And don’t worry about them pesky parents, who cares about them anyway? It means they cannot fight their case fairly but that’s not your problem is it? After all you are doing THEM a favour by taking their children and giving them to BETTER people aren’t you? In fact they should be damned grateful and show this gratitude by not fighting the case but you know some people…
Seriously though, if you the social worker sit there on your care plan to the very last moment then you are going to help your case and whilst the Judge might make a few angry comments you still save your bonus and you get more gold stars at the end of the month. Your legal department solicitor will take care of any naughty requests for adjournement so don’t fret and think on what you can spend all those extra pounds on in the meanwhile.
File management, how to defeat those pesky DPA requests.
Of course in college they don’t cover this but don’t worry your team manager and asst team manager are standing by ready to assist you in this endeavour.
DPA requests can be troublesome so we social workers have to work around it otherwise we would get nothing done.
And it is in the best interests of the child, there see how easy it is???
When you set out your files, depending on your office, you might notice some workers using a file with numbers on it instead of a name, it might be a red folder but this is where you hide all your juicy stuff like anonymous disclosures, correspondence sent and received from other agencies that those whiney parents might get upset about, in the named file you keep all the stuff that makes like you have been working hard and diligently but we know working hard diligently doesn’t get us our adoption bonus’s so we put the paydirt in these files and when the Data Protection Officer comes round asking for all the files on Mr & Mrs Annoying Parent you can give him the files because he didn’t ask for file 443372290 did he?
And what is even better is some parents ACTUALLY hand YOU file requests, well we all know what to do with them don’t we… yep filed in the wastepaper basket ad if anyone asks any questions say you don’t know what they are talking about, you are a social worker not a mere filing clerk, its not up to you to sort these things out Sheesh.
Some offices hold sweepstakes for the highest tally of DPA requests given to workers and “filed”, enquire if your office does such a scheme and you could be quids in if you win the DPA lottery.
Legal files, sharing information outside the courts knowledge.
Amazingly, the court gives us a generous treat in helping us get those adoption bonus’s, because those lazy good for nothing Judges can’t be bothered we get to administrate the court bundle which is brilliant and means we can sort them parents out a right treat.
Unfortunately, the law requires us to notify all parties of queries and correspondence to do with the case but not any more because we just file it near the bottom and no-one gets to know about it so we can say what we like and no one is the wiser…
In fact, social workers who have been in the firm for a while have found that selective pruning of documents and even seeding the bundle with a few “choice” extras (see below) and that bonus is already winging its way into your bank account.
And if you get caught, remember what to say…
It was done in the child’s best interests and do I look like a bloody filing clerk???
Citizen Spies, big brother is watching them for you.
Moving into the more advanced sections of case management we have found that there are many people out there willing to help us and if they don’t you know to add their names to that special list in your drawer of people to deal with eh?
Your first port of call of course is the school, lots of people there who know these parents and the accidental slip of a tongue can reap rewards. After all you are working on a court case which means you get to ask lots of people questions and someone, someone out there will only be too happy to not only dish some dirt (Don’t matter if its made up or not, its a disclosure) but also keep an eye on your target for you, and if they don’t… well you can always look meaningfully at their children and see the change immediately and of course you will do that anyway because you can’t go around letting people say no to use social workers can you?
The usual editing rules apply here, make it good, make it baaaad, add in a couple lines of “Hey where can I buy my children some crack cocaine” sort of thing as its likely if you followed the above advice no one will ever know about it except the other social workers, the Judge, the county solicitor but the parents will never find you out so its all gravy.
Ring, Ring…. I have concerns
Feeling bored? Why not spice up your day and your case with an anonymous phone call to Childline? Why not get your colleagues to join in and points awarded for the most original or most outrageous disclosure, make sure you dial anonymously as you don’t want to get found out you rascals.
Of course many of your colleagues stumped for reasons to show in court have turned to this case saving wheeze, you can ring Childline, the parents health visitor and even your own department, yes but make sure that if its being recorded that they don’t giggle at the other end at your jape and above all, its in the childs best interest (that you have fun)
Medical records, a sure fire way to make someone mad.
If your vict.. client’s family name is a common one, we can have some fun here, oh yes, oh yes indeedy.
In your computer system will likely be other bad nasty parents who might share a common surname, well it doesn’t take much to copy the worst of the bad parent’s evil doings and use it to pack out your current case load.
So using your section 95 powers you send a request to the GP of the bad people and get their medical records and you make sure these get accidentally misfiled with the new case and voila, your seemingly nice and innocent parents (Remember there is no smoke without fire and you are a social worker so always in the right) can look more like Dr Crippen and less like Mary Poppins in a trice.
Criminalising the innocent, how to make the nicest of people look bad.
Its trickier with the police to do the same as the medical records but yes it can be done and easier done for those with more common names.
The trick is, again using your section 95 powers, to tell the police that you believe the mother and father may have used certain false names and just wait for the gold to fall and you can gain some enjoyment from the faces of the parents when they suddenly discover they have robbed banks, raped women, run over old ladies and worse and if the common purpose gods are smiling on you, there could even be outstanding warrants that the police can use to add an extra bit of sugar to the coating.
Imagine what the Judge must be thinking when the parents are dragged away by the police for being evil criminals, of course you know nothing how these extra things ended up in the report to the court, its the polices fault for not checking it out properly isn’t it?
Blind them with science, if its not in the book, invent it.
Everyone loves science and the longer the word, the more impressed they are.
You have been to college for three years and you have probably learned some excellent ones and the very best social workers at this game will write reports of such scientific technicality that the Judge’s brain switches off in the first paragraph!!!
Make sure every tenth word is one of these:
Risk, Potential, Factor, Damage, Harm, I’m a freemason, research, NSPCC, Iran, these parents said all Judges are bastards, psychologicalisationetymology, do I get my bonus yet.
Judges are not scientists, they are usually boring lawyers or boring farmers and they rely on YOU the social worker to make it sound good otherwise how else will you save those poor children from all those evil parents?
Remember, the more sciency it sounds, the better it will be and no one will question the word of a social worker will they? If you do get an annoying person being pedantic wanting such things as proof, never fear as there are a host of ready made experts willing to say what you want them to say and shut these stupid lawyers up and the icing on the cake here is you can get the courts to force the parents to pay for these wonderful experts who won’t let you down and may even offer you a slice of their fee as a thank you.
Parent’s lawyers, keeping them happy whilst making them work for you!
Sometimes, just sometimes you will find a do-gooder solicitor who doesn’t know his place, here is how to deal with them and you will be pleased at how quickly they toe the line…
If you find your parent’s solicitor questioning any aspect of your hard diligent work (even the stuff you did in crayon the day before) then this must not be allowed to go unpunished, after all you are a social worker and he is only a silly man who reads dusty books all the time. (remember to check if he has children you never know he could be your next payday)
Ask the Judge for an adjournement and quickly ring up your parent’s solicitors practice and speak to the senior partner there, some inner city departments have an actual office that does this for you so check first and save some credit on that Nokia 5110. Tell them that their uppity come lately solicitor is out of line and that you wouldn’t want the practice to lose its accreditation for Guardian Ad Litem representation now would they?
No more problem I would say and if the solicitor persists another phone call should see him dismissed from the practice, the courts have no place for hard working save the world types and good job too!
Bringing those teachers into line.
Teachers are your allies in the field, they really are and since our service took over all education departments we have them in the palms of our hands, so we do…
You are the boss and you tell them teachers that or they can go find another job if they don’t like it but give them a break, don’t overtax them with too much information, give them selective tidbits, you remember the question about where to buy crack cocaine for children, well there’s a good start right there, say that the parents want to give it free to the pupils and mention the fathers new ice cream van he has bought with the little cells and child sized whips in the back but no ice cream becaue he is a parent and we social workers know ALL parents are evil and nothing to do with not getting loads of xmas presents or being told off for microwaving the puppy but because all parents except social worker parents are just… just…. just…… parents aaaaaaarrrgghh
Teachers will willingly spy on your vict… clients and will even help out like asking questions if daddy looks at rude pictures on the internet or mummy likes to smoke very smelly cigarettes that make her laugh all the time, the teacher can be the weapon of choice in your crusade against the great unwashed.
Sweaty palms, freemasonry for the win.
Finally, if all else fails, find a freemason and tell them that the parents are evil child abusers, you don’t have to hide from a freemason anything because they are on your side and if you are not one, one day your husband or you will become one and you will have the power over the people then but until then, just tell that freemason what he needs to know and he will pass it on you can be assured of that and of course the Judge, the solicitors, your director, the police will all admire you for doing the right thing and the best thing is… NO ONE will be the wiser.
(This of course is satire, but satire with a very chilling message because social workers DO this for real all the time and children are being taken from their families, innocent children robbed ofloving stable homes by social workers who use these and more dirty tricks to win their cases.
This satire too indicates in some ways how they really see things too, that they really do believe in their self appointed crusades against parents and usually because they were brought up in strange situations or have deviant personalities, child protection is pure Orwellian in many aspects and our children are at RISK from these so called do gooder social workers who are claiming potential risk to remove children into DEFINITE risk!!!)
Congratulations! You have embarked on a great adventure. Kidnapping a child is probably unlike anything you have done before. If you are a first-time kidnapper you may be hesitant; perhaps you have lingering scruples. It is true you will probably do irreparable harm to the child. Children in care more often become involved in drugs, alcohol, and crime, become pregnant as teenagers, perform poorly in school, join gangs, and commit suicide.
But look at the advantages! You can be sure of reaching your targets and making lots of money. YOU call the shots! What could be more rewarding? And a little extra cash each month never hurts, eh?
Few people realize how easy abduction is. It happens 1,000 times a day, mostly by social workers! So if you’re thinking, “I could never get away with it,” wake up! Millions do. In fact many only realize the possibility when they become victims. Then they invariably say, “If only I had known how easy it is I would have done it sooner!” So don’t be caught off guard. Read on, and discover the exciting world of child kidnapping and extortion.
If you are a social worker the best time to snatch is soon after your victims have a new child or pregnancy. Once you have what you want, you will realize that the parents are no longer necessary .
A social worker should consider snatching as soon as they can. Once you have the child, you have pretty much won the game. You will always be at an advantage, who will believe the parents in a family court ?. . But hey, you have the kid. you wont be held accountable, and the family courts will protect you 100 %.
Surprise is crucial for an elegant abduction. Wait until the other parent is away, has just that minute given birth. Don’t worry about the child’s effects, there is funding for them. The more you children you snatch , the better your targets and cash flow. You also want to achieve the maximum emotional devastation the parents. Like the terrorist, you want to impress with how swift, sudden, and unpredictable your strike can be.
kidnapping the child without a court order is illegal, but the police will turn a blind eye. The police will make the case a low priority, and if you are a social worker you will never be prosecuted. In the meantime claim to have established a “stable routine” and that returning the child (or even visits) would be “disruptive.” Anything that keeps the child in your possession and away from their parents works to your advantage.
Find superficial ways to appear cooperative. Inform the parents of your decisions (after you have made them). At the same time avoid real cooperation. The judge will conclude that the parents “wont co-operate” and leave you in charge. Since it is standard piety that parents should ”cooperate,” the easiest way to sabotage them reclaiming the child is to be as uncooperative as possible.
Go to court right away. The more aggressive you are with litigation the more it will appear you have some valid grievance. The judge and lawyers will be grateful for the business you create. Despite professions of heavy caseloads, courts are under pressure to channel money to lawyers, whose bar associations appoint and promote judges. File a motion for forced adoption, and get a restraining order to keep the parents from seeing their children. (A nice touch is to say they are planning to “kidnap” them or cause them emotional harm.) Or have them restricted to supervised visitation.
Going to court is also a great opportunity to curtail anything you dislike about the parents. If you think they may go to the press, get an injunction against them discussing it. Do they complain or report you ? Getting a court order is easier than you think.
False allegations of physical. sexual and emotional harm are also helpful. Accusing a parent of abusing their own children is very easy and can be satisfying for its own sake.
Don’t worry about proving the charges. An experienced judge will recognize trumped-up allegations. This is not important, since no one will ever blame the judge for being “better safe than sorry,” and accusations create business for his cronies. You yourself will never have to answer for false charges. The investigation also buys time during which you can further claim to be establishing a routine while keeping the parents at a distance and programming the children against them.
Abuse accusations are also marvelously self-fulfilling. What more logical way to provoke a parent to lash out than to take away their children? Parents naturally become violent when someone interferes with their children. This is what parents are for. The more you can torment them with the ruin of their family, home, livelihood, savings, and sanity, the more likely that they will self-destruct, thus demonstrating their unfitness.
Get the children themselves involved. Children are easily convinced they have been abused. Once the suggestion is planted, any affection from their parents will elicit a negative reaction, making your suggestion self-fulfilling in the child’s mind.
Dripping poison into the hearts of their children can be gratifying, and it is a joy to watch the darlings absorb your hostility. Young children can be filled with venom fairly easily just by telling them how bad their parents are as frequently as possible.
Older children present more of a challenge. They may have fond memories of the love and fun they once experienced with them. These need to be expunged or at least tainted. Try little tricks like saying, “Today you will be seeing your parents, but don’t worry, it won’t last long.” Worry aloud about the parent’s competence to care for the child or what unpleasant or dangerous experience may be in store during the child’s visit. Sign the child up for organized activities that conflict with the parents visits. Or promise fun things, like a trip to Disneyland, which then must be “cancelled” to visit their parents.
You will soon discover how neatly your techniques reinforce one another. For example, marginalizing the parents and alienating the child become perfect complements merely by suggesting that the parents are absent because they do not love them. What could be more logical in their sweet little minds!
And what works with children is also effective with judges. The more you can make the children hate their parents the easier you make it to get the forced adoption or the care order.
Remember too, this guide is no substitute for a good lawyer, since nothing is more satisfying than watching a hired goon beat up the child’s parents in a courtroom.
And now you can do what you like! You can warehouse the kids to paedophiles (or whatever).