Day: December 15, 2020

I am extremely stressed out. I managed to have a few hours nap this afternoon. I’m still not in a great mood as it was a choice between sleep and getting things done. I now have to catch up with things. I got the carpets delivered today but the bigger one is stuck in my hallway as it was too long to get into my utility room. I’m still waiting for carpet fitters to get back to me after leaving messages with a few people. I don’t expect to get anyone to get here before Christmas or new year now. I know that if we have another lockdown it’s going to be delayed even longer. It’s unpredictable at the moment. I can’t post on a group asking for recommendations locally because I’m on a 7 day ban for sharing blog links (spam according to fb).

Then my mother finally gets her present arrive at her house after initially missing original delivery, which meant that I had to arrange a redelivery. When she gets it today, the clock doesn’t work and is plastic, mum wants to return it because she doesn’t think it’s worth the money. I haven’t seen it yet but don’t mind taking it back if she doesn’t want it. I thought that it would be a decent quality purchasing it from a jewellers. It certainly shouldn’t be made out of plastic at the price I paid for it. It certainly should be telling the time as that’s the purpose of a clock. It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle with every decision I seem to make at the moment. I had to rearrange my aunts card via snapfish Australia because the place in the UK couldn’t fulfil the order. It had to be ordered from the country that was the destination at this point. I didn’t know that I could order it from somewhere based in Australia otherwise I’d have gone for that option originally. I just did her card on the same site as my other family members in the same country as it seemed easier to stick to one order via one provider. I sorted that out so hopefully no other issues crop up. I have no more time left to sort any more mishaps out at this point as it’s far too near Christmas. I’m just fed up of uphill battles. It’s never been straight forward in my life. I’m exhausted as it can feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. I can literally never win when it comes to life. Things just have a habit of falling apart. I naturally struggle at life and it’s so frustrating!

I arranged the carpets to be delivered today but I am extremely anxious. I didn’t sleep all night due to anxiety. I’ve picked my skin and bitten my lip so I’m feeling sore too. I don’t want to do anything but sleep today but I can’t do that until I know the delivery will get put in a certain place and they won’t ring my buzzer: I hate that thing when I’m this anxious. I’m on edge 24/7 anyway. That is just how I’ve been since things that have happened. I have previously given instructions to various people and places about ringing the buzzer but no one seems to actually listen. They just don’t get how on edge I naturally feel 24/7 due to the trauma I’ve experienced. That is why I prefer to be awake at night because people aren’t an anxiety trigger at that time. They aren’t awake to cause me anxiety. I get paralysed by anxiety too. I literally haven’t done half the housework because anxiety prevents me from functioning. It’s a huge problem. I should be getting the support for these issues but the council are extremely unhelpful when it comes to services or mental health support. I don’t want to rely on services unless absolutely necessary due to the fact that when it comes to trying to get others to work with me, rather than against, they tend to make things more complicated. I know my issues have got quite severe at the moment. There’s ways of getting around things but I always seem to feel like I’m behind constantly trying to catch up even if I’m actually not behind with anything. I honestly don’t know how I’m functioning on a daily basis sometimes when it comes to how on edge I feel all the time.