I can’t stay awake right now. I have productive insomnia though.

I shouldn’t be falling asleep constantly because I’ve had enough sleep. I admit that I did wake up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. I sorted out the carpets because I decided to order them while I couldn’t sleep. I just have to find a fitter after they’ve been delivered which hopefully is the easiest part. I’m probably not going to get it all sorted before Christmas but it’s on the way to being all sorted. I don’t want to live with no carpets down for long. I have some old underlay down in the living room but that’s not pleasant to walk on either. I wish that I could stay awake as well as sleep. It’s confusing but I know what I mean. I wish my body had a proper sleep pattern. It’s harder to plan my day and what I have to do constantly having to nap.

I wish that I was more ok than I am.

I have made progress in regards to the trauma i experienced in life. I just wish that I’d made a lot more progress. I still struggle every day despite being better than previously. I still hate the day light hours because it means hi have to face the world. I don’t like the thought of facing that criticism or judgement. I know what it’s like to experience those things on a daily basis over many years. In a logical world it would make sense that I would find it easier to deal with by this point of my life. That just isn’t the case. I am able to stick up for myself much better than previously. I was bullied and treated like crap by others for many years before I learned to be harder. I won’t allow anyone to play me or disrespect me. I could be so much better mentally and more confident but that just isn’t happening yet. It’s took a long time to get over certain things. I don’t want to waste my life being still affected by the trauma of my past. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be a matter of choice. I still end up battling certain aspects of past trauma on a daily basis. There are times when I don’t even want to get out of bed. That is a huge problem at the moment.

Today has been trying despite sleeping most of the time.

Mister decided to pee on my duvet cover and duvet so I had to chuck them in the washing machine when I finally got up. I’m not lazy. I slept for a few hours today due to not sleeping during the night. I put mister outside for a while so that he knew it was wrong. I think he could tell from my attitude that I wasn’t impressed with his behaviour. There has to be some form of sanctions because if I don’t challenge his peeing behaviour he will just continue to think it’s an acceptable way to express himself. He’s never done it on the bed before…. i only changed my duvet cover yesterday. If he had done it on the one that needed a wash then I wouldn’t have been as annoyed. I don’t like punishing him but that is a behaviour that needs to be discouraged as he could potentially ruin anything he decides to pee on. He has a peeing spot by the edge of my wardrobe that I make sure I clean regularly. It’s a whole different level when he decides to pee on my bed when I’m laying in it. He might get the idea that he can pee on me every day to wake me up. I was ignoring him as I wasn’t properly awake when he sat next to me and peed today. It’s behavioural as the vets checked him over physically finding nothing wrong with him. They thought he was just an anxious cat but most animals act like that at the vets. I only have to say the word vets to my cats and they’re strolling the opposite direction. The only word that gets their positive attention is foo foo (food). I can get them to look directly into the camera by saying foo foo when taking a photo. If I want to find both of them within a few seconds I loudly say foo foo. They will scoot from wherever they were hiding and appear in front of me. I don’t do it too often otherwise they will literally assume that they’re getting a bowl refill. It’s like having children. I’ve finally got a break now. They will be outside for a few hours now they’ve had their last feed of the day. I’m hoping to get to sleep soon. I’m tired enough but that means nothing when it comes to my sleep pattern. I have put all clean and dry covers on my bed after I washed them. I will be quite annoyed if mister decides to do the exact same thing again. He doesn’t normally pee there so hopefully it was a one off caused by him being annoyed at me ignoring him. I made friends with him again later after I had gone for a short walk to chill out. I know he doesn’t mean it. He is just a cat who functions a lot simpler as far as communication is concerned. He just needs to learn not communicate in that way. I understand that he doesn’t like some of the every day things, like being brushed, but Mimi doesn’t express her disapproval in that way.