I’m terrified.

I have my smear test in a few hours. I’ve never been as terrified as I currently am. I don’t tend to get anxious in relation to this sort of thing. I’ve just got to the point where I’m absolutely fed up of everything. I don’t want to be around other people let alone touches for a test. I would have cancelled this morning if the appointment system wasn’t currently disabled for online access at the gp surgery. The wearing a mask everywhere causes me added anxiety. I feel claustrophobic when already anxious about things. I didn’t mind wearing one at first but it has turned out to cause me sensory issues. I get a sweaty face which causes me to feel overwhelmed. I know it sounds pathetic but it’s a thing. I have tried to call the surgery to cancel appointment but they aren’t picking up the phone. I know that I can’t do it today.

Today didn’t go to plan and the years go too fast!

I was meant to have a tutorial tonight. It got cancelled due to the tutor being off sick. I stayed in bed until later myself because I was absolutely worn out after the 10 mile walk yesterday. The weather was wet most of the day anyway. I did go for a short walk this evening when it was still slightly raining. I don’t think it’s properly stopped raining the whole day. I have my smear test tomorrow (today as it’s just gone passed midnight). I’m not looking forward to that procedure. Once it’s done then if everything is okay, hopefully that is the case, I won’t have to go through another one for another two years. I hope that 2020 can’t get any worse. There’s less than a month left of this strange crazy year. I can’t wait until it’s over but we are definitely going to be dealing with the virus issues for at least the first few months of 2021.

I can’t believe how fast the years go by as I have got older. 2012, when I had my son, only seems like a few years ago. It was 9 years ago already! Dad passed away a decade ago which also doesn’t feel that long. I haven’t seen many of my family members in years since Dad passed away. I don’t think I’ve even seen my cousin in at least 5 years (we’ve spoken online). It’s difficult when everyone else has much more settled lives with children etc. I feel left out due to my life circumstances. We may be related by blood but as people we can’t relate to each others life experiences. I don’t want to be awful towards my family members. They just don’t have a clue what it’s been like to live through some of my life experiences. I don’t feel welcome by many of my family because they just don’t understand me. It’s hard enough being judged by so called friends and acquaintances in every day life. I have finally learned to not let others judgments affect me nowadays but I used to take things personally quite easily. I’m at the point in my life now where I just don’t give a damn what other people think of me. If by some miracle you like me, then that’s good. However, if you don’t like me, that’s your decision, I’m not going to make it cause me to effect my self esteem. I am worthy regardless of whether people like me or not. I decided when I reached thirty (3 years ago now) that I wasn’t born to be liked or seek the approval of others. Some of us are born different and completely raw in our characters. That may not be acceptable to many people but it doesn’t mean it’s not the right way to live.