Day: October 31, 2020

I feel like I want to escape again. I don’t know where and probably not going anywhere at 6am but it doesn’t stop me feeling like the walls are closing in on me. I need to get away from all the every day life stuff. If I slept better it would help. I’m tired but too wide awake to sleep. I have been too on edge to sleep since 1am after I woke up. An hours sleep doesn’t feel like anything at this point. I’ve been awake too many hours to feel like I’ve actually slept even a tiny bit. I just put out a mouse that one of the cats had brought in. He was injured and kept squeaking at me. I feel bad for putting him out but there wasn’t anything I could do for him. I felt awful because he looked in a lot of pain. I’m too empathic sometimes. I know that I couldn’t do anything for it but I still felt like I was letting him down. I felt down before I found the mouse on the kitchen floor. I’ve felt overwhelmed all week. I could cry at anything at the moment. I’m exhausted. I wish that I could just have proper sleep. The feeling of exhaustion is literally stressful. I get frustrated with myself for being too tired to function properly. I would feel better for just having a few nights of enough sleep. I can drop off to sleep during the day but it’s broken so I still feel exhausted. Then I’m trying to catch up with everything that I haven’t managed to get done due to falling asleep. I feel like I’m in a constant battle when I’m awake. I don’t feel settled. I can never properly rest.

I heard that there was another UK national lockdown on its way earlier. I am so fed up with the current circumstances. I know that I’m not the only one. It’s annoying for those of us that have been doing what is required for months. All the provisions that we have taken, all the sacrifices we have made… only for the virus to come back due to the people not being cautious. We are doomed as none of us can work together nowadays. This is a type of war but the people nowadays are a lot less able to work together to solve issues. If this was a possibility then I wouldn’t have to continue to campaign for awareness and changes in regards for non covid related issues. There’s too much selfishness in society to reach any collective goal. We are only as powerful as the weakest link of our chain (those that do their own thing). That is the huge problem here. We may not be able to stop the spread of the virus. Scientifically, it may just have to do its thing while we just try our best to duck out of the way. We can’t avoid things like the flu. I managed to even got a cold despite all the hygiene measures out there. We can’t avoid these types of diseases. Germs are everywhere. We aren’t able to live life in a physical protective bubble. I know it’s frightening because any one of us could be struck down with it at random. I also know that if I say it’s important that we don’t fear the virus; others are going to tell me that this is impossible. It is possible. The law of attraction is proof that if you think a certain way then it will become a reality. We have had the potential of a second wave happening conditioned into us by all the news coverage etc over the last few months. It became a reality because too many people had it ingrained into their minds that it was definitely going to happen. Manifestation works like that. Okay, try this experiment if you aren’t convinced. We will have reduced the virus rate to barely anything by Christmas. Try to ingrain that into your thoughts and we shall see if it works. We can’t go on this way. Important things aren’t being done due to too much focus on what is seen as the biggest issue. I need my cars MOT doing which I was just about to book. That won’t happen if we are put into lockdown on Wednesday. I am waiting for my new carpets which are due in November. Those types of deliveries will get cancelled if we go into another lockdown. Then I am still waiting for my overdue smear test. The GP will keep refusing anything that they don’t class as urgent regardless of my gut instinct and symptoms I’m experiencing. I only got a scan by chance due to circumstances. There are other conditions that need either managing or treating alongside the pandemic. Collectively, suicide and conditions like cancer have probably still caused more deaths than the actual virus.

Insomnia is annoying too. I slept for an hour and then woke up again. I wake up at 1am every single night. I know I’m not sleeping at all until about 6am if I miss the window I can sleep between 11pm and 1am. I don’t understand why this is my natural sleep pattern but it’s annoying when I’ve woken up just laying there not being able to sleep again.