I’m fine, just busy…

I’m okay. I just haven’t had time to type a blog entry. I’m not drunk but I am enjoying a relaxing evening drink. There is a huge difference. I’m not alcohol dependent. I don’t need a lot to chill. I’ve got to do my open university module and also have several tutorials this week. I’ve focused more on promotion of the blog rather than adding new entries. I’m not sleeping well at the moment. I literally didn’t sleep until 6 am this morning, then woke up at half 10. I got woken up at half 9 by my alarm but fell back to sleep and proceeded to wake up every hour until mid day. I don’t know how I am getting through the days. I’m extremely tired but somehow managing to function… ish on barely a few hours sleep. I assure everyone that I’m not drunk out of my head on the floor being unable to do anything. I haven’t been out for a walk because I have to conserve energy to do my university course and every day things. I’m only sleeping about two hours at the most, but still managing about 5 to 7 hours of getting every day life and coursework done. I can’t get help from my GP because they no longer give out medication to help people sleep due to regulation changes. I’m trying my best to cope but I’m absolutely fed up of being this tired. Autism is hard enough to control without being constantly tired. I wish that the GP did still give that medication out because I’ve tried everything else. I wake up every hour even when I do manage to sleep. I’m not even mentally stressed at the moment. Well, not as much as I have been in the past. Yes, I am still dealing with trauma from my past but it isn’t so raw as it used to be. I used to cry for years regularly… that no longer happens. I do get depressed. That is hard not to do when you’ve got a child growing up somewhere out there who you cannot see and that you’re supposed to forget even exists. I can deal with most things. However, it is different when you have given birth to another human being and then been ripped apart due to circumstances. He will be getting to the age where he is developing his own personality now. It’s harder when I think of him becoming an individual as he’s not that young any more. I long to see him again. I am awful when I go into waiting mode. I’m constantly distracted. It is like having ADHD. That aspect probably isn’t helped by drinking alcohol. We all have to deal with life somehow. We aren’t living in normal times any way. I hope that we don’t go into the mini lockdown like other parts of the UK. Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales are about to take those options. There was discussion about England going into a ‘circuit breaker’ lockdown but it doesn’t seem like that option is going to be chosen now.

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