This is how I see my life.

I’ve had people ask me why I live in a certain way. I am going to describe how trauma from the past works. Regardless if some of the actions in the past wasn’t my fault… I still blame myself. I started to intentionally deprive myself of positive things in life a long time ago. I could have so much more. I could have a much better lifestyle if I didn’t have insomnia etc. That can’t be a reality though because my mind doesn’t allow me to function well enough to obtain the positive things in life. I don’t feel that I deserve a clean pleasant environment so I subconsciously end up being naturally messy. I do feel torn between what I feel that I deserve and the messy environment annoying me at the same time. As far as I’m concerned, I let so many people down, including my own son, in my life that I don’t deserve to have things in life. I can’t believe in myself due to thinking I’m a failure for a human. I would be able to change my mindset if I didn’t have the nagging guilt which comes from my past experiences. I can’t let go of that guilt unless I got a chance to fix things. That can’t happen with my son for many years as he can’t find me until he’s 18 (if he wants to do so). I can’t tie up any of the loose ends that need to be concluded for me to let go of the guilt that fuels how I have conditioned myself to live life.