Sometimes making an effort isn’t worth the hassle.

I try to do things for other people but I still don’t feel like I’m actually appreciated. I do all those things so that people don’t look at me as autistic or inferior to them. I am mostly not happy because it takes me a huge amount of effort to do things due to my constant tiredness. I try to prove that I’m worth knowing to others but I’m still seen the same. I don’t want to constantly get the brush off any longer. I feel like the only time others actually want to know me is when I’m generating money in some way. The support worker that used to come to see me told me they’d always be around. They haven’t bothered even to say hello via text even occasionally. I’m a person, not a product. I wish that people could see me as a person rather than just an arrangement. I’ve always wanted friends. That is how I originally got myself into trouble. I feel like every time I’m open about my diagnosis, others start to distance themselves or communicate to people around me, like my Mother. I do not require a carer. I’m quite capable of doing every day life independent of any help from others. I have learned to rely on myself. I find it quite hard to even function to complete every day tasks sometimes. I still don’t need to be treated like a child. I have the understanding required to do ‘life’. I may not agree with everything that is ‘just the way things work’. I get myself into trouble by voicing my opinions on those things but I understand stuff. I understand how people work more than others may assume. That doesn’t mean I’m manipulative. I have studied social interaction and everything else I find difficult as an autistic. I know when people don’t particularly like me as a person. In all honesty, I would rather not live around here.

I have no choice but to stay where I am at the moment. I am a decent person despite the labels that I was given for being ‘different’. I can’t ever seem to be treated like an equal. I’m either seen as a threat, inferior or ignored. Then others wonder why I get annoyed at that treatment. Even a non-autistic person would get annoyed if they were never seen in a positive light. I’ve done the whole of the decorating around here (albeit with assistance). The landlord(s) were impressed but no one wants to add me to social networks. I know it’s a professional relationship. I run this blog on here. That means I class all my social networks as professional based. I wouldn’t have any of those profiles if it was just for personal relationships. I’m not asking to be besties with anyone. I just want to be seen as a person who others think are worth having on their social networks. I don’t want to continue to be the one that is always left out as an adult. That may not be how others intend their actions to be perceived, but it’s how I see it after years of rejection and trauma. I have been drinking a lot recently due to how people have made me feel with this behaviour. I see it as the equivalent to when autistic children never get invited to parties or get anyone come to their parties. I didn’t know that I was autistic as a child and did get invited to things as I weren’t labelled back then. That shows how it’s completely prejudice and obvious discrimination when people exclude those of us labelled as autistic.