Day: September 24, 2020

I just got back from a long walk. I did get slightly wet because a heavy shower started when I was nearly home. I had a waterproof on so I was prepared to potentially get caught in a shower. I also think that I fixed my monthly issues. I normally cannot go for a walk otherwise I end up in a huge mess. I only had to take one dose of my medication this month. If anything it is barely even doing much at the moment. I don’t know how I fixed it but it seems to be controlled now. I am wearing clothes that give me more room around that area. I no longer feel like I’m cramming all my curvy parts into a small size. It helps when your clothing doesn’t feel tight. I’ve also decided to not drink alcohol from today. After drinking 10 (mini) bottles last night which is a whole pack, I knew that I couldn’t go on like that any longer. I’m instead having a nice cup of tea without sugar. It doesn’t compare but I’m sure I’ll get used to non alcoholic drinks.

I don’t know how but sometimes I manage to visit my dad while asleep. I don’t even plan to do so. I just have a random dream and he appears. He normally appears to me in my own environment. Last time it was my home. This time we were in the garden of terraced looking houses which looked like the white ones at the seaside places. These ones were similar to the ones I remember seeing at Whitby as a child. There was other people around whom I had never met but they still came in during our conversation briefly. I don’t remember much about the topics of conversation. I don’t know what dad and this other bolding man of a similar age was actually trying to do. I can only assume that it was an activity that they’ve made up to pass the time. The other one was sat on top of a slide looking thing. Most of it was covered by a dark sheet so I’m not sure of details. Dad was sitting in a deck chair. They were both in front of what seemed like a dug out square part of land. They weren’t exactly fishing but that is the only thing I can possibly compare whatever they were doing. They had stick rod looking things in their hands poking what looked like clumps of stuck together cereal bars. Then, for some reason, I joined in. It looked like I was breaking up chunks of wood. I woke up at that point so I still don’t know what they were actually doing. It was ironic that he was in that location because it was always my parents plan to move towards that part of the country after retirement. They didn’t quite get there because dad passed away but it seems he has made the move on his own. Maybe he was trying to motivate me to move away to start again. I wish it was that easy but it isn’t at the moment or foreseeable future.

I try to do things for other people but I still don’t feel like I’m actually appreciated. I do all those things so that people don’t look at me as autistic or inferior to them. I am mostly not happy because it takes me a huge amount of effort to do things due to my constant tiredness. I try to prove that I’m worth knowing to others but I’m still seen the same. I don’t want to constantly get the brush off any longer. I feel like the only time others actually want to know me is when I’m generating money in some way. The support worker that used to come to see me told me they’d always be around. They haven’t bothered even to say hello via text even occasionally. I’m a person, not a product. I wish that people could see me as a person rather than just an arrangement. I’ve always wanted friends. That is how I originally got myself into trouble. I feel like every time I’m open about my diagnosis, others start to distance themselves or communicate to people around me, like my Mother. I do not require a carer. I’m quite capable of doing every day life independent of any help from others. I have learned to rely on myself. I find it quite hard to even function to complete every day tasks sometimes. I still don’t need to be treated like a child. I have the understanding required to do ‘life’. I may not agree with everything that is ‘just the way things work’. I get myself into trouble by voicing my opinions on those things but I understand stuff. I understand how people work more than others may assume. That doesn’t mean I’m manipulative. I have studied social interaction and everything else I find difficult as an autistic. I know when people don’t particularly like me as a person. In all honesty, I would rather not live around here.

I have no choice but to stay where I am at the moment. I am a decent person despite the labels that I was given for being ‘different’. I can’t ever seem to be treated like an equal. I’m either seen as a threat, inferior or ignored. Then others wonder why I get annoyed at that treatment. Even a non-autistic person would get annoyed if they were never seen in a positive light. I’ve done the whole of the decorating around here (albeit with assistance). The landlord(s) were impressed but no one wants to add me to social networks. I know it’s a professional relationship. I run this blog on here. That means I class all my social networks as professional based. I wouldn’t have any of those profiles if it was just for personal relationships. I’m not asking to be besties with anyone. I just want to be seen as a person who others think are worth having on their social networks. I don’t want to continue to be the one that is always left out as an adult. That may not be how others intend their actions to be perceived, but it’s how I see it after years of rejection and trauma. I have been drinking a lot recently due to how people have made me feel with this behaviour. I see it as the equivalent to when autistic children never get invited to parties or get anyone come to their parties. I didn’t know that I was autistic as a child and did get invited to things as I weren’t labelled back then. That shows how it’s completely prejudice and obvious discrimination when people exclude those of us labelled as autistic.