Totally fed up, hot and insomnia. Stressed is an understatement.

I am boiling hot even with the window open. I have insomnia again. I just got home and had a bath thinking that feeling clean would make me less fed up. That isn’t the case now. I have a very stuffy nose which won’t stop running however much I blow it. People may think I’m probably hot because I have the virus but I know it’s hormonal. I always get like this… okay maybe not a cold but sweaty enough not to sleep. That is what frightens me when I think about things. I don’t want to be going through the change or something early so I can’t have another child. Even though they tell me that my insides are working just fine… my instincts tell me that they aren’t working well enough to ever be able to get pregnant again. I’m not stupid enough to think that the next time I will be able to just try at the right time and fall pregnant after one attempt. That may happen before 30 but it’s a lot more complex as everything around that area gets older. I estimate that to get pregnant again I would have to try around the 15th of a month. I’m quite regular and that is how I planned my son. It hasn’t changed at all apart from having flooding days which I now control with medication. I don’t want to go out and get pregnant again with an idiot who is just acting like a friend to get their leg over. I need the other half to stick around because it was hard on my own the first time around. I lived with family when my son was born but it’s not the same as being able to just hand the baby to its father so that I can have some rest. I had no one to share the load. I lived at my mums but it wasn’t practical. There was many things in the situation that led to things falling apart back then. I don’t want to go back to that situation if I have another child. I don’t particularly want to be in a relationship romantically. I’m used to being single and there are aspects that I’d never want to give up about the single lifestyle. I just can’t risk doing the whole thing on my own again. The system will jump on me straight away if I am a single mum next time around. I’ve seen too many situations since I went through my sons forced adoption. I know every single trick in the book that social services use to take people’s children on crystal ball type child protection predictions. I don’t want to be a victim of those tricks again. I need people around me to protect me from those tricks. I’m quite capable of fighting my own corner but in this particular case I’d need a protective bubble around me. They don’t listen to the voices of autistics. I won’t be effective on my own. I’m level headed now.

If I get pregnant the hormones may send me a bit crazy at times. It happens to many women when they’re pregnant. I was actually fine when I was pregnant with my son but afterwards I felt tearful all the time for years. In 2012 that still didn’t see baby blues (also known as post natal depression or psychosis in some cases) as a recognised illness. It’s only the last few years I’ve seen things on television etc that recognise that illness. Women have tried to harm their babies due to post natal depression and/or psychosis. If those women hadn’t had partners then their babies would have been forcibly adopted. I felt tearful. I wasn’t mentally aware of any psychosis but how would I have known ? I only recognised that I felt depressed. Maybe I imagined those noises on his baby monitor that I thought was paranormal at that time. I don’t know. I can never prove whether my mind was not in psychosis mode then. I remember everything that happened leading up to my sons adoption but it felt like it was someone else’s life. Then there is the constant guilt after you become a mum. I literally felt guilty about letting him down by just not being good enough. I don’t feel like the same person nowadays. The guilt is still there though. It’s something I’ve never managed to stop feeling. I feel guilty about letting others down or guilty for not being a non autistic person. I never felt guilty about everything until I got all the mother hormones. Those hormones changed me. I felt like I was existing in a haze for a long time. I forgot huge chunks of things that have happened since my son was born. Other people saw my memory problems as an attempt to be difficult. It’s hard for others to understand the lasting effects of trauma. It gets better slowly but some of those issues will remain with a person. I would recover much better from my past trauma if I slept normally. I never get proper rest to heal properly. That’s not happening. I have an inability to sleep for hours at a time. I wake up every hour on the worse nights. I feel that this holds my progress back a lot. I feel normal again on the odd occasions when I do sleep the whole night. That just never lasts longer than a few days. Then I’m exhausted during the daytime. That’s a never ending cycle which has always been that way since I was a child. It’s an awful way to exist when you’re always fighting that permanent tiredness.