The feelings that I continue to deny occasionally are too hard to forget.

There are certain times where it is impossible to not think of someone you’ll always care about despite the situation that they want you out their life so much that a court order was made to enforce the point. The other person’s birthday is one of those days when I simply can’t forget that there is a part of me—a stupid streak—still would love to have her in my life. I’m a fool after the things that she did to me.

The university advert has been irritating me a huge amount over the last few days too. I don’t feel well tonight anyway. That makes things seem worse. I think that I may have a cold, I hope it’s not anything else like the virus. I think I may just be over-tired too. I attempted an early night but insomnia kicked in again.

I hope that she is okay especially since it’s a significant day for her. I don’t think that I will ever completely forgive her. I think that one day I could see past those feelings if we ever end up on speaking terms again. That will be entirely up to her though.

I’ve matured a lot; I’ve matured mentally to middle aged myself. I cannot force her to undo the legal red tape. I don’t even want to, not any longer. It’s not how life works and if you force your wants on another then it definitely will never materialise. I will always be physically attracted to her and the gothic, similar interests we had in common.

I must admit that I may have seen the whole relationship in a glow that mirrored bands like Nightwish in my fantasies—and this is the one and only time I am going into my lesbian fantasising on here: it’s a private area of my life that I will continue to deny if directly questioned about my true sexuality—everything would be tinged with gothic metal music and our cars would be like our substitute children. I’m sure that wasn’t the whole picture of this person but we only see a picture based on what we know; or what we think we know.

I think that people probably don’t expect me to be into that type of music because, at least when I haven’t got temporary crazy colour in my hair, I look quite a lot plainer than the full-on goths who wear all the fashion and make up relating to that identity. I like pop music too but only because it’s on the mainstream radio while I’m e.g. driving places etc. I try to keep some parts of me private due to running a blog that literally anyone can access. I will only talk about things in the context of things I think others can see as shared issues.