Month: September 2020

I can’t settle here in this area mentally. There’s too many awful memories here. Right from school to my sons adoption. I was a fool to think that I could ‘make it work’. I simply cannot deal with the memories here. I never wanted to return. I merely returned under duress as it was a choice between losing my son at birth or moving to my mums home to have him. Ironically, this years tutor for my open university law module used to work as a care and adoption solicitor for a local authority. I know I shouldn’t judge people by their previous roles but it’s hard to accept those people after what I’ve been through. I don’t think this topic is being covered on this years module so hopefully the elephant in the room doesn’t come up. If certain topics arise then I won’t hold back my opinion in discussions. I’m going to find it extremely difficult to stay neutral on certain issues. I will work with others but I don’t have to agree with them. I just feel that to change things I’m going to have to go up against everyone professionally which is going to make me unpopular. That is difficult with those they knew me as a child where I grew up. As much as I’d like to be the driving force of changes within social care etc, I’m still a lot younger than them who had the upper hand while I was growing up here. I still look like a child. I got asked for I.D when buying alcohol earlier this evening. The person asking me to prove my age couldn’t have been more than a teenager to early 20s. She was like really? To my date of birth listed on my driving license. Yes I’m in my 30s believe it or not. I’m going to be stressed out enough doing sober October from tomorrow. I need to do it though because I’ve gained weight through drinking nearly every night for a few months. How am I going to stay sober and deal with the memories from this area where I grew up? It’s going to be hard.

I went over my mothers to get the length of my trousers altered. I started off with a migraine and a cold this morning. I have a cold cup on my forehead as this takes away my headache. I get told that I’m getting a fat belly and I need to lose weight. Thanks. I go for walks. I only eat healthy things. I’m still getting fat. I have cut down on the alcohol. I drank a few little bottles last night. I’m doing what I can to not end up huge. I’m just ballooning. I keep growing out my bras so I cannot stop my frame from getting larger.

The fact that I cannot sleep at night is starting to stress me out a lot. I find it hard to get things done during the day due to feeling exhausted. I wish that I could just sleep normal hours rather than waking up every few hours at night. I have a migraine due to not sleeping enough. I also feel like I’ve been punched in my eyes. They feel swollen and sore. I am literally feeling like I’m climbing a wall to get out of bed today. Struggling to get up sounds absolutely pathetic but it’s true. People assume that it’s laziness but it’s far more deeper than that. I am not a lazy person. I am like a different person when I have energy. That isn’t often but I get a lot done at those times. I just wish that I had more of those times nowadays. I burnt myself out while at college a few years ago. I would literally barely sleep and still get there for half 8. I had to leave at half 7 because I had half an hour to an hour journey depending on traffic. That was every day a week for a year. Then one day a week to finish off the subject I failed. I didn’t realise that it was damaging me in the long term. That’s another reason why I chose to study via the open university for my current degree. I don’t have to get to places for a certain time. I just make sure I’m at my laptop for tutorials and submit my work by the deadline.

I’ve had people ask me why I live in a certain way. I am going to describe how trauma from the past works. Regardless if some of the actions in the past wasn’t my fault… I still blame myself. I started to intentionally deprive myself of positive things in life a long time ago. I could have so much more. I could have a much better lifestyle if I didn’t have insomnia etc. That can’t be a reality though because my mind doesn’t allow me to function well enough to obtain the positive things in life. I don’t feel that I deserve a clean pleasant environment so I subconsciously end up being naturally messy. I do feel torn between what I feel that I deserve and the messy environment annoying me at the same time. As far as I’m concerned, I let so many people down, including my own son, in my life that I don’t deserve to have things in life. I can’t believe in myself due to thinking I’m a failure for a human. I would be able to change my mindset if I didn’t have the nagging guilt which comes from my past experiences. I can’t let go of that guilt unless I got a chance to fix things. That can’t happen with my son for many years as he can’t find me until he’s 18 (if he wants to do so). I can’t tie up any of the loose ends that need to be concluded for me to let go of the guilt that fuels how I have conditioned myself to live life.

I went for a walk tonight after getting a few bits and pieces from the shop. I fully recommend hanging bags on your arms as they make handy substitute arm-strengthening weights. I have more toned arms since I’ve been carrying things around with me on my recent walks. I regret wearing my wedges, which I otherwise like because make me look an average height instead of the midget that I am. I was fine until the wind caught me. I tipped my ankle once and fell over after my ankle tipped again. Fortunately, I’m absolutely fine, though I’m sure that my ankle will hurt tomorrow. It doesn’t even ache much right now. I also grazed my knee because I landed on it. I got straight back up again due to being self-conscious about being seen which I find embarrassing. It was just about dark and there was no one about so I think I got away without looking like an idiot. I wasn’t hurt. I only fell on my leg and tipped my ankle. I felt like I actually bounced rather than went down that hard. The wind was making it much more difficult to actually walk even without high heels on my trainers. I had a bath when I got home so the graze on my knee won’t have anything nasty in it.

I’m now in my bed with fresh clean sheets on… it smells lovely and feels comfy. Of course, Mimi (one of my cats) has already settled on here for the night. She always does when the sheets are newly washed. Cats just take over everything their owners use eventually. I find my cats in the most random places, especially when I’ve been out for a few hours. It’s like they just fall asleep wherever they’ve been hanging out. I found Mister on top of the washing machine once. I think he liked the vibration of the spinner cycle and it rocked him to sleep. Another time I’ve come in the kitchen to find him sat under the boiler… on the kitchen surface which he knows he shouldn’t be on. That one really likes to push the boundaries to the limit. He jumps on top of the wardrobe to hide when he knows he has done something wrong. His sister spends a lot of time outside so she doesn’t do much that is naughty… apart from the times she’s been out in the rain and brings mud in all over the place. That’s a hazard of having cats. Mud, half dead birds and mice, and on one occasion a large rat which luckily Mister killed; litter tray bits somehow trailed across the floor… it’s impossible to keep everything completely clean. It’s like having children. When you’ve just mopped the kitchen floor, then a few hours later there’s cat footprints trailed across it, and cut grass, and other bits they’ve managed to get attached to their fur. I don’t know who decided that cats don’t shake themselves like dogs do when they get wet. Both my cats shake all their water off when they come in from rainy weather. That’s okay if they do it where there isn’t carpets or furniture. Luckily they normally do it in the kitchen.

I looked at my Open University module yesterday. I peeked at my first tutor marked assignment due in November. I’m not looking forward to it. I’m sure the questions will make sense after I’ve read the first few units but at the moment unless you’ve read the questions in the context of the units it’s confusing. I know it’s not a wise idea to peek at future tasks… I just got curious. We don’t officially start until early October. I feel less apprehensive about the degree getting harder and requiring more technical language now that I have taken a read of module content. I am still on level 1 of undergrad law. I had to do the introduction module first due to not having any A-levels. It’s okay to struggle. I’m sure many other students have the same issues. I’m hoping that things click into my head this year. The way of writing a certain way becomes automatic according to former students. I had a qualified barrister admit that he was hopeless when he first started undergraduate studies. That fills me with slightly more hope that I will pass it.