I’m just stressed and upset.

Today didn’t start off well due to the supermarket messing up my delivery. This meant that I have no proper food for the week. I have all the other things that I remember ordering apart from the food items. I’m 99% sure that I ordered them. I added the food that didn’t get here to the cart. I got all the other items apart from the food. That has inconvenienced me because I was trying to save time while I was sorting out the painting around my flat. I still have to go out to buy food at some point. I’m never using their service again. Their delivery charges have got ridiculous. The amount you have to spend in order to get free delivery is a complete rip off. I was trying to save myself time but it certainly doesn’t save money. I can’t afford to waste money because I need stuff around my flat and new clothes as mine are getting too small for me. I’m in a size 12 now rather than a 10. I’m putting on weight but I’m not going to stress about it because it solves nothing. The more I worry about weight gain, the more I gain weight.

I know that I am absolutely stupid when it comes to how I feel about a certain person. The way that they treated me wasn’t humane but there’s part of me that thinks I deserved it. I deserved it due to showing my autism side. I didn’t behave ‘normally’ which is why they punished me for being that way. I can’t help acting autistic but it is their right to react negatively against it. The restraining order will always be in force because it’s indefinite (as I wouldn’t leave the issue alone at that time). I can never have her regardless of how much I still lust after her. She may seem too old for me but age means nothing negative for me. It may seem like I’m too young for them in their eyes. Even my second choice is much older than me, I’m also pretty sure that they will see age as an issue too. The fact that we are also the same sex probably isn’t an issue because we both swing the same way. I’m very doubtful that the second choice will even see this entry anyway. I know they are most likely not single anyway. I hear that they are with another woman. I will always want the first choice as the woman I’m not allowed in my life. That is basically due to how I was as a person. That means it’s my fault that I can never be with her. I could date a string of men that would mean absolutely nothing to me because I just don’t fancy them due to not swinging that way. Those relationships would never be special to me. I deny my sexuality quite strongly because I’ve always felt that I’m meant to be straight as I was born female. I just cannot feel physical attraction towards men though. I know exactly who I want to be in a relationship with but it’s soul destroying that I also know that it can never be. I also feel like I’m being stupid after the way that they treated me. I can’t help how I feel despite knowing that I’m being stupid after what happened.

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